United States Surrenders to France

(AP) After almost 230 years of independence and freedom, the United States suddenly and inexplicably surrendered to the nation of France, despite the fact that there is no state of war between them.

"It was Senator Kerry's idea, but I just loved it from the get go," said President Bush. The surrender ceremonies will take place in Terra Haute, Indiana, because the President said, "That sounds like a pretty Frenchy name to me."

The United States will immediately become part of France, and will instantly outnumber their fellow French citizens. "We figure we can put together a coalition with the Republicans and pretty much kick a little ass in the next French parliamentary election," said Democratic National Committee Chair Howard Dean. Republicans agreed. "Jacques Chirac is about to get his toes run over with Harley," stated Republican senator John McCain.

Also, the United States as new majority citizens of France, plan to pull France out of the E.U., rename Paris to "East New York," set up at least 3 NFL franchises in the country, and pass a proclamation declaring the Big Mac as national dish of France. Several prominent French chefs and Morgan Spurlock committed suicide at the news.

The former Americans declared that once they fully take over French government, they will reestablish the United States and divide France into five states: "Bushington, Clintonsas, Reaganfornia, New Kennedy, and East Texas." "That last one was Vice President Cheney's idea," said Dean, "Just to piss 'em off."

The French government appeared completely stunned at the news. "Normally, we would employ a tactical surrender, but they have beated us to it," said Prime Minister De Villepin. "Now, we have no choice but to make them all French citizens and soon they will control the government. As for me, I plan to emigrate to Belgium."

"We surrender," stated President Bush, "and...we're taking over, mon amis!"