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Monday, April 03, 2006

The end is near!!! Maybe... for a few.

Yes, I know, I've been gone for an extended period of time again. Don't ask where I was and you won't have to hear the horrible, mind-numbing details of my personal hell. On the bright side is this story from Texas of a professor who is lauding the end of humanity (at least 90% of it) as a really good thing. The Pro-fes-sor (articulated similar to the doorman in The Marx Brothers' Animal Crackers) was apparently hitting the bong hard while watching Bruce Dern in Silent Running for the tenth time in one night when he came up with his whacked out theory.

The good prof seems to think that a nice round of airborne Ebola virus would be a good thing for those overpopulated regions of the world. Kind of like the Terminex man stopping by to get rid of some pesky termites eating into your sub-flooring or fire ants in your backyard. In his world however we are the eco-unfriendly pests who are a pox on the face of our lovely planet and it is we that must go, as nature would want it. I decided to pay Dr. Death a visit and learn if he any other plans for the destruction of all mankind.

Stew: Professor Pianka, thanks for allowing me to come down to your office.

Prof P: No problem Stew, I appreciate the free publicity. Would you like some coffee or an arsenic laced danish?

Stew: Just the coffee.

Prof P: Milk or sugar? Strychnine? You're not going to live forever you know.

Stew: Black please.

Prof P: Have it your way.

Stew: You mention that you believe that 90% of humanity will be taken out by Ebola or some other epidemic. Who would you see remaining alive?

Prof P: Well, I'd like to see it myself so I would hope to have time to retreat into the desert to my pre-positioned provisions and shelter. Other than that, you know, I'd like to see Joan Baez make it - I just love her music, the off-Broadway cast of Rent, Simon Cowell, Oprah, and France.

Stew: The country?

Prof P: Yeah, I just love their wine and cheese.

Stew: Some have described your views as radical, and some have called for your expulsion from the university. What do you say to them?

Prof P: (stroking a small guillotine on his desk) Have they? Do you have any names?

Stew: Uh, I don't think I can divulge that information.

Prof P: Nevermind, I think we can determine that later. Sure, they call my ideas radical but that's also what they said about Adolf Hitler.

Stew: But...

Prof P: Look I don't really have time for all of this anyhow, I've been working on a way to make Ebola Zaire airborne and things look promising right now.

Stew: Can I have another cup of coffee, I seem to be getting sleepy.

Prof P: You will, it's only the first stage.

Stew: First stage of what?

Prof P: Nevermind. Bagel chips?


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