It's tough to be a rat.

A new study from the researchers at Johns Hopkins University has demonstrated that rats should avoid barbecued meats, because when cooked they can produce a dangerous compound called PhlP. When questioned about the value of the research Dr. Karl Ratzenberger twitched his cute little pink nose and said, "It's important to the health of rats the world over. We've been keeping a close eye on rat health ever since the Dark Ages when they got a bad rap for the whole Bubonic Plague thing." The researchers had to put on hold their project of stuffing shrimp etouffee down the mouths of chipmunks to concentrate on the rat/barbecue problem.

But what does this mean to rats? Are their days of enjoying a nice filet or blackened rib-eye at Ruth's Chris Steakhouse a thing of the past. I sat down in an alley behind Appleby's to speak with King Rat Adolphus III to discuss what this means for the steak loving rodent.

Stew: King Adolphus, I know this is a black day for you and your people.

KAIII: It really hurts Stew, I loved a good tenderloin just like the next rat. We're advising all rats to avoid restaurants serving steak or other charred meats. We're telling them to stick to places like Taco Bell dumpsters and Wendy's, as there's not much of a chance for them to get real meat there.

Stew: What has been the reaction so far?

KAIII: Well most have taken it in stride, they've started turning to baked potato husks and dinner rolls since there are more of them anyhow.

Stew: Has there been any sign of disease in any of your people?

KAIII: That's a joke, right?

Stew: No, seriously. I meant any sign of prostate cancer.

KAIII: Oh, well so far we've had a couple of guys who've had problems taking a leak but nothing too bad. You have to remember, these studies use your typical lab rat who's a little less used to the pounding the street rat is subjected to on a daily basis.

Stew: How much do you know about research on rodents, and is it ethical?

KAIII: I'm sure it's all on the level, these guys know what they're getting into. They enjoy the good life for a while...then a painful death riddled with tumors of some sort. At least these guys got steak stuffed down their faces for a few weeks.

Stew: Things could be worse I guess. Dr. Pianka could be testing airborne Ebola on them for instance.

KAIII: Word.

Stew: Anything you'd like to say before I let you get back to eating that moldy bread and buffalo wing bones?

KAIII: Yeah, would ya mind gettin' your foot off that tasty lump of putrified cheese.

Stew: Oh sorry.

Note: As I was trying to find the article on rats, prostate cancer, and barbecues I stumbled on a link to a Prostate Cancer Awareness event. Here's the pertinent part:

Swing into action with students from Dickinson College's Policy and Leadership class as they host the first annual "Dickinson-Carlisle Community Golf Outing" on May 16. The event, to benefit the National Prostate Cancer Coalition, will begin with guest speakers and a BBQ lunch at noon, followed by a shotgun start at 1 p.m., at Mayapple Golf Links Course, 1 Mayapple Drive, Rt. 74, Carlisle, Pa.

Whoops!!!!!!!!