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Tuesday, January 31, 2006

The World According to Chuck Norris

I had no idea Chuck Norris was so formidable. I mean I knew about the martial arts, the movie battle with Bruce Lee, and his hot-selling fitness products, but according to some sites on the Internet, Chuck Norris makes Superman look like a limp daisy with an inferiority complex.

The most enlightening one I've come across is www.chucknorrisfacts.com. (Warning, there are some expletives and off-putting material on the site...definitely not for juveniles.) My favourites from this site are the following two:

"Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits."
"Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the **** down."

The last one is vulgar but does explain why no one ever sees flying saucers around crop circles, but someone always manages to report a lone ginger-haired figure in denim, sprinting away from the scene. The man keeps busy. No wonder he's so fit at age sixty-something. Even Jack LaLanne in his prime could not keep up with the roundhouse-kicking, throat-smashing energy of Iron Chuck. In fact, Chuck would probably kill him, just for trying.

Of course, seeing an informative list like the one at Chuck Norris Facts, always makes me want to contribute something to that already vast body of knowledge. So, after much research, being personally beaten to a pulp by Mr. Norris on several occasions, and watching every episode of Walker, Texas Ranger both forwards and backwards and (lest you doubt my dogged resolve) in Betamax, here are a few nuggets I was unable to unearth about this legendary cult figure:

Some Additional Chuck Norris Facts
Compiled by Earl Fando

  • Chuck Norris doesn't give blood. He takes it.
  • Neil Armstrong was not the first man to set foot on the moon. Upon further exploration, Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin found the corpses of 457 men Chuck Norris had roundhouse-kicked who wound up there.
  • The only thing we have to fear is not fear itself. The only thing we have to fear is Chuck Norris.
  • Chuck Norris can prove a negative. The proof involves a roundhouse kick to the face.
  • Most Americans do not know that there is a 28th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution. The text of the Amendment reads, in part: "Chuck Norris is the primary branch of government. The others are just twigs."
  • 911 is Chuck Norris's cell phone number.
  • If a tree falls in the forest and there is nobody around to hear it, was it kicked down by Chuck Norris? Yes. Always. The reason there is no one to hear it is because Chuck roundhouse kicked them to death and just caught the tree on the follow through.
  • Chuck Norris makes Barbara Walters cry.
  • Chuck Norris had to make himself cry when he was born by giving himself a roundhouse kick in the arse.
  • The atomic bomb was not invented by the Manhattan Project scientists. It was invented when a young Chuck Norris, visiting the research site, kicked a malfunctioning soda machine in anger.
  • Chuck Norris never uses talcum powder. Chuck Norris uses ground cayenne pepper.
  • Chuck Norris won the Heavyweight Championship of the world with his "roundhouse-kick-a-dope" strategy.
  • Chuck Norris' cologne is the scent of death.
  • The Soviet Union collapsed because Chuck Norris accidentally booked a flight for Tblisi, Georgia instead of Atlanta, Georgia, and they all thought he was coming after them.
  • Chuck Norris is forbidden by federal law to flex his bicep, because the vibrations disrupt air traffic throughout North America.
  • The legal definition of a concealed weapon in all 50 states is "Chuck Norris in a mask."
  • Chuck Norris once killed an entire platoon of Nazis by flaring his nostrils.
  • Chuck Norris once kicked a man so hard he disintegrated into subatomic particles. He calls this move "a love tap".
  • Chuck Norris likes Grape Nuts without sugar...or milk.
I'm sure there's much more, but that's all I had the time for between blows to the solar plexus and cranium.

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