It's Oscars time. Somebody wake the Grouch.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

So are the days of my life...

Before I get into my post today I thought I would pass my thanks along to our loyal readers, especially Cayln and Elizabeth. We'll try our best to "keep rockin' it" with the most "intelligent and witty" things we can muster from our pea-sized brains. That or we'll go blue, whatever it takes. Anyhow, I will have to make another startling confession this week. I do love the soap operas. Since I'm busy during the day fighting with ISO 9001 procedures and the occasional three martini lunch I don't get a chance to see them live, but through the use of digital technology I am able to see them at night.

Lately when I've fired up the old TIVO to watch my favorite soap The Wet and the Immoral, I've been noticing a rash of accidents resulting in subdural hematomas. I kept track in the last episode and there were no less than 14 subdural hematomas experienced by the unwitting lot. Now, I don't even play a doctor on TV but I have to guess that the incidence of subdural hematomas in soap operas is quite a bit higher than in your normal populace. Keen to examine this phenomenon I set my TIVO to capture all soap operas in a given day and cross reference by the times that subdural hematoma is mentioned versus mentions in cooking shows.

Soap operas
Subdural Hematoma mentioned: 2,455

Cooking shows
Subdural Hematoma mentioned: 1
(I think we can count that one out since it was on Iron Chef.)

I know it's a shocking ratio when you see it put in numbers so the next day I set it to record all instances of the words "subdural hematoma" in soap operas. It found numerous mentions of the words but I will only run down a few here to save time.

The Wet and The Immoral

Dr. Ravensclaw: Palamino, you say your stepson fell down the stairs and suffered this subdural hematoma while eating a Twinkie?

Palamino Dubois: (thick southern accent) Ah guess it was a suga' rush that got him?

Dr. Ravensclaw: Then why do you have spongecake under your fingernails! (Swell of soap opera music)

Palamino: (quick zoom up to her face) I don't know what you're talkin' about. (hiding hands) Oh Dashielle, don't you see it's because I love you.

Dr. Ravensclaw: Kiss me you fool. (reaches out and grabs her roughly)

Palamino: Be gentle Dashielle, I'm still recovering from a subdural hematoma.

******************

Another Day

Russ Heartly: Mom, can I ride my motorcycle down to see Mary Ellen?

Page Heartly: Sure honey, how is the subdural hematoma?

Russ: They say she'll recover from this one also. Thanks mom. (Russ leaves in a hurry)

(Snap zoom to Russ's helmet sitting on the breakfast table)(ominous music)

Page: Oh no, here we go again.

(Sounds of fifteen car pile-up on the street outside)

********************

The 8:15 to Lustingham (British)

Col. Graves: Elle, where is my morning paper?

Elle: Here you go Colonel, the cat was using it as a toy again.

Col. Graves: Heaven's sake. Well let's see what the news is today. Great Shakespeare's ghost, there's been a horrific train wreck in London. Lizzy!!!

Elle: Surely it wasn't her train sir.

Col. Graves: (reading) "The wreck involved the 8:55 Pullman Express and the 8:15 Subdural Hematoma Special out of Lustingham." (grabbing chest) It can't be.

Elle: But remember she was getting off at Swindon to see Lady Finchley and of course that newpaper would contain events that happened yesterday and not this morning.

Col. Graves: Are you being saucy with an old widower? I just lost my wife and I'm in a fragile state.

Elle: What? Colonel, now stop!!!!

Col. Graves: (chasing her around the table) Stop running, you know I have a bad heart.

*******************

Los Matadors y la Presa (Spain)
(The Killers and the Prey)

Rojilio: Pedro, Dónde está su juego?

Pedro: No me siento como luchar los toros hoy.

Rojilio: ¿Por qué?

Pedro: Caí en amor con uno.

Rojilio: Ése es el hablar del hematoma del subdural.

Pedro: No, es mi corazón.

******************

So, you can see that the subdural hematoma is a hot commodity right now in the soap opera universe. I just hope they're not taking too much advantage of it.

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