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Monday, January 23, 2006

The Anniversary Party! What you missed...

I just thought I'd chime in again, as Stew seems to be buried in an avalanche of ISO-9001 paperwork, to let you know how the luxurious anniversary party went.

Of course, it was just Stew and I sitting around a table sipping 2% beer, eating stale Twiglets, and grumbling things like "Why don't more readers love us?" "I knew I should have included the Tom Cruise joke I left out of post 644!" and "I wonder when Juan Carlos is getting out of the big house?" So, you guessed it, I had to make stuff up for the press release.

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Press Release - Dictionary of Unfortunate Ideas
To: Every media outlet on the face of the Earth, except Nazi Monthly, The Commie Times, and Redbook
From: Earl Fando, Ombudsman and Head Waiter, The Dictionary of Unfortunate Ideas

(A undisclosed location)
(Correction: A different undisclosed location than the one where Vice President Dick Cheney is sequestered.)

Critically regarded comedy weblog The Dictionary of Unfortunate Ideas celebrated their first anniversary with a star-studded party on Friday the 20th of January. The party was held at the ornate pavilion of an undisclosed location that guests were whisked to by hovercraft, whilst wearing blindfolds, earmuffs, and fake arrow-through-the-head hats.

Several celebrities were on hand for the festivities. Tom Cruise gave a long lecture on the perils of psychotropic drugs including those for post partum depression. Later in the evening an disguised Brooke Shields slipped him some Ritalin in his Diet Pepsi, after which he really mellowed out and started chatting up Brad Pitt, who was accccompanied by his current partner, the striking Angelina Jolie. In fact, she struck DOUI co-editor Earl Fando at least four times during the evening for comments he made about the Laura Croft movies, including at least one challenge for Jolie to climb up the wall by using only her arms and then leap down by doing a backflip.

Brad and Angelina were accompanied to the party by Angelina's brother, who was tethered to Angelina by a leather strap with the word "Toy" embroidered on it. Billy Bob Thornton was reportedly caught outside looking in the windows and muttering, "What's Brad got that I don't?" which gave everyone a laugh, especially Cruise. Reportedly, he was seen leaving with Katie Holmes.

Former Heavyweight Champion of the World George Foreman appeared briefly to down a few hamburgers and chat up his fellow luminaries. At one point he accidentally sat on Wolfgang Puck, who catered the affair, having been led to believe it was a post-Golden Globes party. Apparently, this was why DOUI co-editor Stew Miller spoke in a French accent all evening. Puck was uninjured, but had to be removed from a couch with the "Jaws of Life."

Entertainment, included U2, who accidentally showed up at the party when their Lamborghini broke down outside the undisclosed location and they wandered in, attracted by the scent of cheeseburgers wafting outside from the armada of George Foreman grills Puck assembled to handle the food. At one point Donald Trump swiped Bono's cowboy hat, but was unable to put it on his head due to the complete inflexibility of his hair. Bono responded by making the "peace" sign and then suddenly jabbing Trump in the eyes, to the delight of Martha Stewart.

Biily Jack star Tom Laughlin showed up to sign autographed, life-sized photos of himself, dutifully carried around by Mrs. Tom Laughlin. He gave up after five minutes though when he realized that no one except Fando and Miller knew who the hell he was, and also because he didn't have an invitation.

In addition, Billy Idol arrived to do a brief rendition of his latest hit, What the **** Kind of Party Is This? He added as an encore a roaring premiere of his apparently upcoming hit, I'll Sue the ******* **** Out of You, You Lying ********! You Said This Was A Charity Benefit!! He did follow that with an acoustic version of White Wedding, but only because Keira Knightley asked him to.

Madonna appeared to do a number as well, entitled My Name Is Esther and I'm Here to Help You Embrace The Mystical Energies of The Spiritual World. This proved to be a tremendous letdown, as she sang the entire song in a low-pitched monotone whilst sitting in a cardboard box and being accompanied on the zither by Salman Rushdie. Even Cruise confessed to being "...bored out of my freakin skull! Pass me some more of that Diet Pepsi, man."

DOUI contributor Zimpter Fiforg stopped by briefly to read a letter of support for imprisoned DOUI colleague Juan Carlos Vega (no relation to the King of Spain...really!), who was unable to attend but was sent a small package of saltines via third-class mail. Fiforg then excused himself to return to work by telling everyone he had to "...head back to the salt mines!" after which he was whisked away by limousine and police escort in the company of Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr, who was driving.

Finally, the highlight of the evening was the sudden and inexplicable appearance of Cameron Diaz from inside a large birthday cake, where she had escaped from being bound and gagged for a number of hours. The DOUI staff claimed it was her attempt to redo a famous Houdini stunt, but she left angrily and was reported to have shouted something about "criminal charges" and also "I'll be back with the Angels to kick some ass!"

The party ended with a massive fireworks display, set off when Donald Trump's Blackberry exploded in his back pocket and set his trousers on fire.

Reporting: Lear O'Fand

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It would have been a great party. Blimey, it would have been a great press release, but F. Johnny Lee wouldn't let me send it due to the, erm...fictional aspects of it. Funny that. It reads true.

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