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Tuesday, January 17, 2006

And all along we thought it was Colin Farrell

The search for Ireland's most fertile male is over and the winner is... Niall of the Nine Hostages? Well, my money was on Colin Farrell of the Phone Booth, but then again I didn't put the scientific research into it that Trinity College did. The article is interesting as far as Irish genealogy, descent, and surnames are concerned but doesn't answer the question that is burning in many of our minds. How many times a day did this guy do it? I mean even if he had twelve sons he still must have been a randy little fellow. I decided to go to the source. Upon reading an ancient copy of Leonardo da Vinci's text on time travel I discovered a map which showed me the way to the plans for a time machine. It helped that the words "Da Vinci's Time Machine" were scrawled on the hidden passageway in The Vatican (got to wonder how they missed that). After constructing the machine with help from Earl I made the great leap backwards.

Ireland 405 A.D.

Niall's House

About noonish

I found myself standing outside a rather humble little hovel that one would not expect to belong to a king. I didn't see anyone but there was a large sign outside on the doorpost.



Searching around I found a local laborer, who had apparently been working very hard at something, coming down the path.

Stew: Excuse me, I'm looking for Niall. I understand that he lives around these parts.

Laborer: (looking nervous) Who's askin'?

Stew: (thinking quickly) Well, actually I'm um... Stew of Miller the Dung Sniffer. I've come to ask him some questions concerning a particularly odorous pile I noticed in the area.

Laborer: Oh, well pleased to meet'cha. The names Niall of the Two Hostages but my friends call me jackrabbit. Sorry about all the filth, I meant to clean the place up.

Stew: Jackrabbit? Why would they call you that?

Niall: Well, I guess because of my breeding habits. It's 5th century Ireland, I've got to have a hobby.

Stew: But aren't you a king?

Niall: Who told you that? Probably the same lot that keeps blaming me for taking nine hostages. I tell'em it was only two, I didn't know the mushrooms would do that to me.

Stew: Yes, right. Anyway I wanted to ask... (a young maiden interrupts)

Maiden: Niall, I need it now. I can't wait any longer.

Niall: Why Mrs. Gallagher, never let it be said I didn't give a woman what she wanted.

At this point they disappeared into the hut. The shuffling of furniture and shouts of "Oh, Niall" fill the air and last for some five minutes. Then Mrs. Gallagher emerges with a small rabbit.

Mrs Gallagher: Don't forget Niall, I'll need two for a stew I'm making Mr. Gallagher next week.

Niall: Don't worry, I'll have'em ready for you by Sunday.

Stew: When you said breeding habits I didn't know you actually bred rabbits.

Niall: What do you think I meant? You know you're a strange fellow. I think we had a dung sniffer through here last week. You sure you're a dung sniffer?

Stew: Well, actually I'm from the future. I read an article that said you were a king in ancient Ireland and that one in twelve Irishmen were directly linked to you. I come back in time and find that all you are is a down and out rabbit breeder who likes to throw the occasional party. How do you explain all of the descendants?

Niall: Well, they got to pay for the rabbits somehow.

Stew: Ahhhhh! On the nose young Mr. Niall. Well back to the future for me. Here though, give these a try sometime. (tossing him a box of Trojans)

I returned to the time machine and after a short run in with Dr. Who and a fellow named Arthur Dent who was asking about towels I arrived in our present day. Anyhow, I was wondering if any of you had seen or heard from Earl. He seems to have disappeared along with all his belongings and the ficus tree in his office. Oh, and the office too.

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