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Sunday, January 15, 2006

Wrinkled old bat? Who are you calling a wrinkled old bat?

The Super Bowl halftime show is being planned, even as I write this, and already it's garnered massive controversy.

The Super Bowl is usually Stew's gig to write about, so I won't go into great detail, but apparently the Rolling Stones, who are doing the halftime show, originally declared that they didn't want any dancers older than 45 in the show.

I am bedeviled by conflicting thoughts at this news. My first thought is to rail at the injustice of wrinkled, burnt-out old prunes like Messrs. Jagger and Richards banning their female peers from promenading about like loons in the same show as them. If we can still put up with Mick doing the chicken walk from an electric wheelchair or Keith Richards playing the guitar on life support (He died years ago...didn't you know that?), why shouldn't a few mildly geriatric dancers be allowed to strut their stuff as well.

On the other hand, Messrs. Jagger and Richards may have a point that the Super Bowl halftime show, which recently has been scandalized with the impromptu appearance of Janet Jackson's nipple and Ashley Simpson's libido-shrivelling rendition of her "hit" single You Make Me Wanna (Grunt), might not benefit positively from the sight of 60-something grannies shaking their groove things to the rhythms of Satisfaction (Not to mention the potential physical injury from all the swinging body parts.) Remember that episode of Star Trek where Spock was mind-melding with the alien lifeform whose appearance caused people to go mad and die? We must ask ourselves whether we want to risk such an occurence with a Super Bowl sized telelvision audience.

So, which to choose...justice for the aged to be treated as equals to their younger, smoother, less droopy sisters...or protecting little Timmy from seeing someone resembling his Ruth Gordon in Harold and Maude ("and then there's Maude!") shimmying along Mick Jagger's leg whilst wearing a leotard cut past the navel?

My most heatfelt apologies to all those senior citizens who will feel offended that I have chosen little Timmy's eyesight and mental health over their right to cut a rug with the Stones on national telelvision. However, I have to think about my eyesight and mental health too, you know. I'm getting old as well, and they're both not what they used to be.

Update: After perusing the article a bit more, it appears that the controversy was resolved in favor of older dancers. Memo to self: Wear my darkest shades during the halftime show. Under no circumstances leave them on the com next to Kirk when the halftime show starts.

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