It's Oscars time. Somebody wake the Grouch.

Saturday, January 21, 2006

Miss America goes Vegas!

This year the Miss America Pageant is being held in Las Vegas. What happens when a contest designed to crown a paragon of American womanhood is set in "sin city"? Here's a short run down:

  • Finalists chosen from last ten ladies to "crap out" at the dice table.
  • Attendance doubles on news that the "bathing-suit" category has been replaced with a "topless revue." HBO gets the TV rights.
  • New Host: Wayne Newton! Here She Is, Miss America is replaced with Daddy Don't You Walk So Fast.
  • A pageant judge claims that someone threatened to "break his kneecaps" if he didn't vote for Miss New Jersey.
  • Pageant interrupted by plane crash of psychotic renegade convicts and Nicholas Cage.
  • Pageant interrupted by parachuting Elvis impersonators, including Nicholas Cage.
  • Pageant interrupted when Nicholas Cage leaps onstage and announces he will drink himself to death. Elizabeth Shue offers to console him. Wayne Newton interrupts, beating him with a folding chair, and announces, "We've had about enough of your nonsense tonight, pal!"
  • Several of the contestants complain about the enormous new "Miss America Headresses".
  • Special $9.99 "All Legs and Breasts" chicken buffet just before the pageant.
  • Miss America 2006 wins a Vegas quickie wedding with her choice of Nick Lachey, Tom Green, Kenny Chesney, or Dennis Rodman.
  • Contestants mobbed by "johns" while walking the Las Vegas Strip.
  • Two tables are by the stage this year: Judges and oddsmakers.
  • New Miss America indoor roller coaster.
  • New Finalist question: "If you become Miss America, who will you use your newfound crown to extort in the coming year?"

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