For the really meaningful awards this season...

...we turn to the Razzies, the Hollywood awards that reward the abysmal and incompetent. I should clarify that by pointing out that the awards are actually given for being abysmal and incompetent... just so you don't confuse them with The People's Choice Awards or The MTV Movie Awards.

Tom Cruise was nominated for Worst Actor. No it wasn't for his portrayal of a suspiciously overdone love-sick, couch-caroming, middle aged, thespian cultist with a mania against psychiatry. His performance of that nutter has been stupendous. Rather, it was for his portrayal in War of the Worlds, of a self-absorbed, bitter, narcissistic, divorcee' construction worker on the run from aliens with death rays.

All right, so the only difference between the two roles is Katie Holmes and Oprah's couch. Still, I think the Razzie people are being a bit harsh here. Almost anyone would get upstaged by a charming and talented little tyke like Dakota Fanning. Tom might not have done so badly if he hadn't kept muttering "Damned Thetans!" under his breath everytime an alien came into view, or ad-libbing that humans could easily defeat the alien menace if we'd just "poison their goblets of Tranya with Zoloft."

Other notable Razzie nominations were:

• Jaime Kennedy received a Worst Actor nomination for his wooden portrayal of Jim Carrey in Son of the Mask. One judge was rumoured (by me, here) to have suggested that "Shatner would have done better."
• Hillary Duff got a double nomination in the Worst Actress category for "trying to grow up way the hell too fast" in Cheaper by the Dozen and The Perfect Man. Judges also wondered why her smile seemed twice as big as usual in all her recent music videos, but acknowledged they couldn't give her an award for that.
• Jennifer Lopez was nominated as Worst Actress for Monster in Law, but most observers are pretty sure she got the nod because of the methodical and sinister way she turned Ben Affleck into a complete loon.
• The Worst Picture nominees are Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo, Dirty Love, Dukes of Hazzard, House of Wax, and Son of the Mask, all distinguished by their clever titles and original premises.
• Katie Holmes objected to being included in the Worst Supporting Actress category with fellow nominees Carmen Electra, Paris Hilton, Nicole Simpson, and Ashlee Simpson, stating that she at least has "a frickin' ounce of talent."