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Friday, January 27, 2006

The Infamous Memoir of Lies -- Oprah Edition

Oprah Winfrey is not the, how you going to say, happy camper this week, ladies and gentlemens. No, she went on the rampage recently, with certain amounts of tears gushing from her gorgeous nut-colored eyes, and she got very very angry on her television talk show, saying even at one point, "I think it is a terrible disgrace to lie to people, to generate the how you going to say sympathy, to slander the innocent type persons in a book style form, just in order to sell more copies of your book of lies." Yes, these were her very words, spoken with tears from the lovely walnut eyes, her lip trembling, as she clutched in her strong, womanly hands the offending memoir.

Yes, the truth had finally come out. Danny Devito's recent Autobiography, My Egg Life in Stretchy Pants, turns out to be one paragraph after the other of exaggerated lies and wild fairy tale stories. How did the truth all come out, you perhaps are the asking person to inquire? Well, an intrepid type journalist from the Tammany Hall Journal named Reginallo Feoblanco is the one who break this shocking, appalling and sickening news. He begin to be curious after reading the New York Times bestselling non-fiction autobiography when certain passages appear to be the lies or the crazy wild uncorroborated anecdote. For example, the following passage stuck out in his mind as a possible mild exaggeration:

"When I was the Queen of Belgium, I used to stand upon the silver balcony of the Imperial Palace in the Alps, beholding the writhing celebrants in the cities below, and I would pour buckets of brass coins down unto them. It was because of this weekly coin-dumping that Martin Scorcese thought I would be perfect for the role of Anglemeyer the Corn-Scented Murderer in his then-upcoming blockbuster Someone Stabbed the Horse."

Mr. Feoblanco read this passage with the critical eyeballs of the crack journalist, wondering could it be possible that the Danny Devito had made up certain details of his memoirs. It would not be the first time. Many other memoirists have also been disgusting liars. Examples come to mind: William Shatner, Bill Clinton, David Blaine, King Gus of Jutland, James Frey, Periwinkle Stinkson, Howard Stern and Peepile Foldthingeinger being just a few examples. So this journalist begin to investigate, first sneaking across the border into war-torn Belgium, then breaking into the Belgian Office of Secret Files and then reading secret files one upon the other.

Meanwhile the potential liar, Mr. Devito his egg-shaped self, went on the Oprah Winfrey show to promote his memoir. Oprah picked his book to be the Book of the Month Club Alternate Selection, and as she talk to Danny on her show that day, she cradle the book in her lap, occasionally kissing it gently along the spine, sometimes weeping diamond-colored tears upon its pages and swooning.

"Is it true, Danny, is it true?" she wailed. "Every single word of it, is it true? Is the part where the rampaging sea horse murdered your mother's dog true? I wept all day long and into the night as you battled the acid-vomiting sea horse with your staff of oaken wood and howled at the suffering dog, 'Oh, Elbow Hound, please don't be the dead one, please don't be it, no,'" Then Oprah dissolved into the, how you going to say, pile of melty weep goo.

"Every word is true, Orpy," Danny reply. "What am I, some sort of liar? Get outta here, you dumb broad. I ain't afeared to slap on you. I didn't make up a word of it. All true. All true. Every egg-shaped word of it." Then Danny Devito commence to weep and fell off the couch and hit his head on the floor and knock out himself and go to hospital, and we cut to Larry King rerun to fill the rest of the hour.

Anyway, Mr. Feoblanco find out Danny Devito never was the Queen of Belgium. Other story details not true, he find out:

1) Devito did not have a metal plate in his heart from Civil War injuries
2) Devito did not spend seventy six years in Alcatraz, making raincoats out of birds
3) Devito did not create the moon
4) Devito is not human, strictly speaking
5) Devito does not exist in the past and present at the same time.

When the truth break out, Danny Devito go into hiding. To this day, he still not appear in the public eye. And poor almond-scented hottie Oprah can only cry on her show, "I believed that egg-shaped demi-human! I thought that whole book be nothing but truths not the how you going to say lies." Larry King also cried. Bill Clinton cried and threw up a little in his own mouth. It is an American scandal of historic proportions!

The moral of the story: Don't read books.

Thank you.

Sincerely,
Prisoner 2505525
Juan Carlos Vega
Shawshank Federal Penitentiary

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