Prithee, knock on our door...

Isn't the novel going just smashingly. I for one, really enjoyed Nuffy's entrance in the traditional Sherpa garb, especially since we all know that he favors the poncho, bombachas, and guaiaca of the gauchos of Argentina. Quite an inside joke there on Earl's part. I await the next installment with feelings of great anticipation and alarm wondering what he's going to have me doing. Some possibilities I can proffer to him would include: golfing Augusta National, meeting John Cleese, and going on a long vacation to the British Isles.

Last week while eating at our favorite Mexican bistro, Earl and I came up with an interesting idea and since he's engrossed in his novel it falls to me to attempt to get it on the page. As we gorged ourselves on carne asada we thought about the coming Thanksgiving holiday and the traditions and history that go with it. We thought back to the days of the Pilgrims who made their way to a new and unknown land aboard the Mayflower. We also wondered how some of our classic American situation comedies would have been like had they been produced during that time. Don't you wish you could join us sometime?

In order to set up the following vignettes I must advise the reader that at all times the characters in our little theater of the imagination should be envisioned as wearing traditional pilgrim threads. You know, those funny black hats, bonnets, and shoes with outrageously large buckles on them. You can also imagine a blunderbuss or two, at least in our first episode.

Bailiff Griffith and the Good Folk of Shire Mayberry RFD

Bailiff Griffith and his young apprentice Barnard Fife enter with three witches in tow.

Griffith: Prithee Barney, wouldst thou be so good as to incarcerate these witches in cell number three.

Barnard: Ye bet thine sweet prithee I would. Now thee witches get in there, don't make me go for mine musket ball.(Pats pocket of his jacket) Within five short moves I can have this blunderbuss loaded and ready to mete justice.

Witch #1: Prithee kind sirs, can you please explain why you hath arrested we goodly women? I assure you we are not witches of any fashion.

Griffith: Fie I say to thee young missy. No person of mere flesh and bone could could best Aunt Beatrice in pie baking as thee did tonight at the shire fair.

Witch #2: Oh, crap.

Witch #3: Good catch there, Matlock.

Griffith: Now thee have doubled your sentence for cursing in front of a bailiff.

Barnard: I say we send them to the stake, Andy. Ye see that they are witches and the good laws of fair Mayberry doth demand blood.

Griffith: Oh Barn, please leave the the adjudication to me. Couldst thou throw some water on Otis, he hath spent too much time at the tavern again.

Barnard: Andy, thou hast to nip it in the bud. Nip it, nip it, nip it!

Griffith: Hand over thine blunderbuss Barn!

Barnard sticks the blunderbuss in Andy's hand and as he leaves throws a bucket of water over Otis who is sleeping in the stocks. Otis opens the stocks and leaves through the door. Andy just smiles his best Puritan smile.

End

Three is Goodly Company

Jack Tripper has taken residence in the root cellar of Squire Furley's Tavern where serving wenches Janet Wood and Christmas Snow work and live. He agrees to clean the outhouse in return for a warm place to sleep and two meals a day. Squire Furley also thinks he's gay. But not in the usual happy sort of way.

Janet: Good Jack, how was thy slumber last night?

Jack: I was lying among numerous of Squire Furley's stored potatoes, if that gives you any idea. But really I don't mind tubers, I've handled many large ones in my day.

Squire Furley enters and hears Jacks second line. (Hoots from the audience) Squire Furley begins twitching his funniest twitch.

Furley: Prithee Jack, please refrain from discussing such behavior in my tavern. It's hard enough being the proprietor of a tavern in a Puritan settlement, I wouldn't have a chance if it wasn't for the fact that Myles Standish likes to get his freak on.

Shrugs from Jack and Janet.

Christmas: Good morning everyone. (She stretches and her bodice comes open revealing only corset and her ample...well you get the idea)Oh, goodness. (buttoning herself back up)

Furley twitching.

Jack ogling.

Larry peaks in door and does the finger biting thing.

Furley: C-c-christmas p-p-please be careful. Thankfully it was only Jack here, but what if it had been the townsfolk. Now Jack, wouldst thou help Christmas with her rack. (Pointing to a large set of antlers sitting on the floor) (more hoots from audience)

Jack: Ah, what wouldst thou have me do with them, ah, Squire Furley?

Furley: Grab them and put them where she wishes of course. Bother me not with such silly questions. (more hooting)

***This scene deleted by the Puritan Council of New Plymouth***

Furley is on the floor twitching. Jack is sitting in the corner with a bucket of dung over his head. The two girls have run upstairs. Myles Standish is smoking a bowl of hemp.

Jack: Maybe they have jobs down at the Regal Beagle.

End