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Thursday, July 06, 2006

Celebrities have patriotic feelings too!!!!!!

That fount of all things patriotic, Alec Baldwin, has penned a fairly remarkable piece in celebration of our country's founding. One of the most remarkable things about the article is that Alec actually was able to to piece two coherent phrases together. I don't say this as a slam against the amiable Mr. Baldwin but he is a very busy man, and his daily regimen of acting, activism, and self-actualization keeps him dancing like a cat on a hot tin roof. That, and he's flippin' looney some of the time. But who wouldn't be when one day you're providing a narration for a Wes Anderson movie, the next you're playing the lovable Mr. Conductor, and finally you find yourself as the manager of KISS tribute band Tiny KISS. It has to be a morass of uppers, downers, and crying over the picture of Kim Basinger you keep in the top dresser drawer.

Enough about poor Alec though, he has sincerely tried to generate an honest interpretation of what HE feels is good about our country while including death, mock assasination, and a bloodlust which makes Casino look like Pippi Longstocking. I decided that there must be other celebrities that desire to unleash their patriotic feelings but don't have the forum to do it. That forum is here and those celebrities are just as flippin' looney.

Sylvester Stallone - Hey yo, dis country is great. What, you don't think it's great? Well hey yo, who are you, the freakin' pope or sumthin'? Yo, go back to the Vatican or sumthin', OK. Hey, MY country tis of thee and stuff, ya know.

M. Night Shyamalan - I love this country, it gave me my chance to display my film style and mold stories which I hope inspire others. That was, until THEY took over the bodies of Disney management and forced Playhouse Disney on us. Tell your friends and neighbors, don't let your child watch JoJo's Circus. They're watching us through the television, don't you understand, they're watching US!!! See, I love this country.

Kim Basinger - The courts of this country granted me a divorce from that kook Alec, so yes I guess I do love this country. I offer my own patriotic fantasy to you my fellow Americans. I'm left in a room with Alec tied to a stone table by his ankles and wrists. I begin by pulling out is fingernails one by one in a slow and painful process followed by applying cayenne pepper to the festering wounds. I then slowly remove the skin from his body using a rusty shaving blade and apply lemon juice to the underlying tissue. Oh yeah, got to get patriotic... then I shove an American flag up his kiester and sing America the Beautiful. Truly the American dream.

David Blaine - Look into my eyes America. Now, choose a card and write the card down on a small note and swallow it. Your card was the six of spades and you're a 36 year old divorcee with two kids who watches Desperate Housewives. Now, I'm going to seal myself in this red, white, and blue box and hang upside down over Mount Rushmore for a month surviving only on bottled water and sweet tarts. God Bless America.

Mark Northover - Not an American. Were he, however, we would be treated to a melodious patriotic sonnett which would excite our ears as though Aeolian harps were playing to Rubenesque cherubs on the plains of Elysium. But he's not an American, sorry.

Lukas P. Short - This is the greatest country in the world bar none. She's like a lady that ya treat proper and get right proper treatment in return, if ya get my meanin'. She's like a young filly that ya take for a ride in your truck or your Humdinger H2 as ya patrol your 5000 acre spread in Wyoming. You always open the doors for her and keep your filthy hands to yerself until she makes her move. Remember, that's Lady Liberty you're gropin' so be gentle.

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