It's Oscars time. Somebody wake the Grouch.

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Live Long, and Remake

World Cup Fever continues to infect people worldwide, as evidenced by this Swedish nutter with a paintbrush and a subconscious need for extended marital counseling. However, as there are no matches today, I thought I'd step out of my football-induced reverie to address Nuffy's post.

Utter crap.

No, not the Star Trek remake, or even the choice of Mark Northover to "Star" as Captain James Tiberius Rudolphus Anita Kirk. No, I'm referring to the idea that Northover and Warwick Davis could play Spock by standing on one another's shoulders.

First of all, they'd need mechnical arms to account for the fact that Spock occasionally needs to press the doo-hickeys on the Science control panel of the bridge to make it look like he's doing something highly complicated, enhanced as always by impressively mechnical sound effects left over from Forbidden Planet. Davis and Northover could barely reach the first row of buttons without toppling over like Scotty after a full Robert Burns' Day of Glenfiddich swilling.

Such arms would be a dead giveaway the moment the ship started shaking as a result of a Romulan cloaked assualt, Klingon death ray, or Scotty playing the bagpipes with his arse after the above said holiday.

Second, with such little legs, Spock would be walking around like a thinly-clad, pointy-eared geisha.

Finally, neither Davis or Northover have the quiet resolve as actors to maintain the cool, logical, emotionless passivity of Spock. You'd need someone with an astronomically high dullness quotient to pull that off, meaning you'd have to hire a politician or accountant. I recommend John Kerry or Bill Frist, provided that watching them drone around the bridge of the Enterprise doesn't put the entire audience into the boredom equivalent of a tequila coma. Al Gore could do it as well, except that he'd be constantly complaining about the effects of the matter-anti-matter drive on "interstellar warming."

So, just who should take on these legendary and ridiculous roles. Matt Damon seems to be the lead candidate for Kirk, but Damon is too young-looking, too short, and too good an actor for the part. I would suggest Russell Crowe, who brings the talent, the hint-of-arrogance and petulance, the phone-throwing, and the ability to look at a woman in a way that would get 99% of men on the planet slapped with a permanent restraining order. He's Shatner with more talent, and therein lies the problem with him in the role.

If one could create a combined clone with the brutal he-manliness of Crowe, the odd and seemingly contrived cadence of Christopher Walken, and the clumsy, almost drunken fighting prowness of Sean Penn, then you'd have something.

Since that remains beyond current science though, we shall have to resort to stunt casting for cheap laughs.

So, here are my own casting suggestions for the new Star Trek. My selections would not only generate an enormous amount of buzz for the film, but would also give good actors a chance to put their own spin on this venerable (Meaning: "as if inflicted with venereal disease") institution:

  • James T. Kirk - Phillip Seymour Hoffman - He's talented, unorthodox, and he could do the Capote voice for the big speeches. No one can compete with Shatner's version, so let's make a new Kirk! ...A freaky Kirk!
  • Mr. Spock - Rowan Atkinson - What if Vulcans were not only highly logical, but also incredibly snide and insulting? Also, the whole Pon Farr experience would be great as a Mr. Bean episode.
  • Leonard "Bones" McCoy - Triumph the Comic Insult Dog - The cigar! The one-liners! The barely able to contain his laughing! "Spock! You are a cold, unfeeling, computer of a man... for me to poop on!!" Triumph is McCoy!!
  • Lt. Uhura - Halle Berry - OK, there's really no joke here. Uhura has to be one spectacular bird, and Berry is the best choice around. If Dorothy Dandridge were around, she'd be my pick for the role. I also recommend writing in a fight scene between Uhura and that green, dancing woman, as played by Cameron Diaz.
  • Lt. James Montgomery "Scotty" Scott - Tracey Ullman - Billy Connolly, Alan Cumming, or Ewen McGregor would be too obvious. Ullman can do the accent, play a barely sober man to a tee, and also give a strange androgynous quality to the lines, "I canna get the power, Captain!" and "If we don't shut down now, Captain, the engines are gonna blow!"
  • Lt. Sulu - Jet Li - Jackie Chan is too old for the role, but "Jet" who apparently had a Paul McCartney song written about him, is dynamic, athletic, and really in need of a big-time Hollywood film on his resume. He would give the whole shirtless, flailing about with a sword routine a bristling kung fu edge. Also, he could break through malfunctioning Enterprise doors with his bare hands.
  • Lt. Pavel Chekov - Samuel Jackson - Sam would turn Chekov from a bowl-haircut, Monkees-wannabe, into a tough, even completely vicious navigator with a heart of gold. As a bonus, gunplay would be almost automatic, and think of the dialogue with Kirk -
    Kirk: "Chekov, set a course for Antares 7." Chekov: "#$%& you,
    Captain. I'm getting pretty
    sick of all your %$#@!#$!!! 'Do
    this Chekov!!!' 'Set a
    &^%$-ing course Chekov!!' I oughta put a
    cap in your $%# right now
    and let my man Spock run this $#@%-ing ship
    right!!!"
    One downside: Screenwriters are tempted to make way too many "Black Russian" jokes.
  • Nurse Chapel - Cameron Diaz - Sorry, just bumping up the site hits.

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