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Saturday, June 24, 2006

What the Hell Happened to Everyone?

I take one bloody vacation and this place goes to pot. The last post was the 18th? What happened?

My own circumstances were a trip to the in-laws and an insufferably slow Internet connection. My father-in-law needs Broadband like The U.S. World Cup team needed Ronaldinho this week, which is to say, desperately. His current ISP should rename their company to "Treacle" or "Only vaguely associated with a real Internet Service Provider." The connection comes in a a measley 44.2 KBps and even then, you can see the little packet-carrying hamsters scurrying down the modem connection.

All right, it's time to whip things back into shape around here. Stew needs to get his own ISP house in order. His current ISP is the US Postal Service, to give you some idea of his situation. If he wasn't hooked up to a massive intravenous tube system at the new Starbucks in his neighborhood (more on that in an upcoming post) he'd only be near the Internet when drove past the local Best Buy.

I did see Stew and Chico y Jose this week at the links, where they both trounced me into the ground, the lousy birdie-making, massive-drive smashing, putt-draining, green-hitting bastards. Stew hit one drive that was so powerful, I later heard that NASA briefly tracked it over the Sea of Japan, where it scared the hell out of Kim-Dong-Ill or whatever the lousy crapsack dictator is named there. (The news reports say that he is referred to as the "Beloved Leader" but what they don't mention is that the words "Beloved Leader" in English mean "Pustulent Offal in a Nasty Jumpsuit.") It wound up a mere 315 yards from the teebox, but I'm fairly certain that it landed there after coming back around from the orbit he put it into. He has a whole demo club system that is keeping his driving average around 290 yds. and making me generally feel like a Keebler elf on the golf course.

And, yes, I am completely grumpy and bitter about the U.S. being knocked out of the World Cup in the first round and I'll have a hell of a lot to write about that. I promise to delete almost all of the expletives. At least England is still alive. Rule Britannia!!!

Back to work!!! (Cracks WWWhip!)


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