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Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Five Times the Shatner

Ever since Mark Northover got exiled from Hollywood for breaking the Hays' Code with his nude gymnastics in the movie Shawshank Redemption 2: Electric Shankaloo, the American motion picture industry has become a cesspool of disgusting wastrels and sickening filth. And as if that weren't hyperbole enough, every motion picture released since Mark Northover's last movie in 1998 has been an embarrassment to humanity and suitable only for being strapped to a Saturn V rocket and launched into the sun.

All that is about to change, however, for Hollywood is about to redeem itself by recycling into the public eye that which has been our only remaining hope. Yes, they are bringing back Star Trek. Not just another goofball spin-off of Star Trek with silvery moon freaks on a rocket to Moon City USA. No! We're talking about a bona fide remake of the original purest Star Trek, the sacred journey of Captain James Tenderliciousmouth Kirk and his Pon Faar adventures in the Mulvonian quadrant of the universe.

Even more exciting, of course, is the news that they have cast none other than torfivious Mark Northover in the role of Captain Kirk, and they have cast limanorbunago Warwick Davis-sitting-on-Mark-Northover's-shoulders-wearing-a-long-robe in the part of Mr. Spock. This is destined to be a modern day classic. There are also rumors flying around that the part of Dr. McCoy, the surly old crankpot alcoholic with a heart of silver, will be portrayed by a young British gentlemen named Mr. Mark Northover, and that the part of Hikaru Sulu will be played by none other than Mark Northover. Other roles have yet to be cast, but whispers in the tabloids suggest a person named Mark Northover is a shoe-in for the parts of Mr. Chekov and Ndege Uhura Ochelo.

Plot details are lacking at the moment, but I snuck a peek at the super-secret first draft of the screenplay while sharing a toilet stall with Mr. George Lucas during a recent crowded evening at the Stoikenkeyk Pancake Hut in Rowland Heights. Here is what I saw:


James Kirk -- Spock! Get us out of here or we'll explode up dead!

Mr. Spock -- I cannot activate the Escape Lever, Captain. My Pon Faar is acting up!

James Kirk -- There is no time for Pon Faar, Mr. Spock! The Deliberation Tube is approaching through the voids of time! We have ten seconds to live!

Mr. Spock -- Then Ndege Uhura will have to take care of it, Jim. I am busy with my Pon Faar.

James Kirk -- Uhura! Press the Live Button or we won't live! Hurry, succeed and there's a sweet sweet mouth kiss waiting for you in episode 2!

Uhura -- Sorry, Captain, I, too, am in the midst of Pon Faar.

James Kirk -- This is Khan's doing! KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!

The Enterprise enters the Deliberation Tube and is sundered by anomolies!

Whoa! That's powerful stuff. Mark Northover is destined to remake cinematic history with that one. Hurry, Mark Northover, save Hollywood! Save motion pictures! Save Pon Faar! Now is the time.


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