And he's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

It's all over the news today. No, it's not the latest World Cup action or an A&E documentary of the torfivious Mark Northover as my colleagues here would have you believe. It is the story of a misunderstood bear and the German bloodlust that has led to his untimely demise. I am speaking of Bruno the Bear, who was only doing what bears do, only I guess he decided to do it in the wrong country.

I assume looting beehives is tantamount to murder in good old Deutchland these days so why don't we go around gunning down raccoons, maybe Ranger Rick oughta' keep one of those beady eyes looking over his shoulder. I don't say this to belittle the German people who have a wonderful heritage (except for a few years in the thirties and forties) of being tolerant and understanding. But to gun down a defenseless bear, who just wanted a few honey-glazed bovines is just going too far in my book.

When things like this occur many times we feel helpless to do anything. I thought of starting a fund to maybe buy some flowers for the funeral until I heard he was just loaded into a large sack and dumped in a landfill. Then I thought maybe we could protest in front of the Reichstag but I learned it had been burned down in 1933. I have decided to do two things: first I will give you a brief timeline of Bruno's life which will help us to understand the misunderstood bear who as Joern Ehlers so eloquently put it, "found his way into our hearts", and secondly I would like to present a performance art piece I have written called "Die Bear ist Kaput, and so is my Heart".

Bruno's Timeline

Apr. 27, 2004 - Bruno is born to Helga and Heinz Beare of 27 Einhoven Stasse.

Sept. 22, 2004 - Bruno says his first word, which coincidentally was also his last word, "Sausage".

Feb. 15, 2005 - Bruno sniffs his butt. (While we're still not sure why, it was pretty apparent that it meant very much to him.)

Jun. 21, 2005 - Bruno begins dating Paris Hilton and is seen as a "bear on the rise" in Hollywood circles.

Aug. 8, 2005 - Bruno and Paris break up sending Bruno into a spiral of drugs, booze, illegal honey substitutes, and gangsta rap. Bruno begins calling himself DJ Bruno B and is often seen in the company of Flavor Flav and Verne Troyer.

Sept. 5, 2005 - Suge Knight signs Bruno to an exclusive production deal but the bear disappears and isn't seen again until his untimely death.

Jun. 25, 2006 - Bruno is discovered by "hunters" who gun him down.

Die Bear ist Kaput, and so is My Heart

(staccato violin music similar to the music from Psycho is heard as William Shatner enters in lederhosen and Klingon make-up)

Shatner: (almost yelling) A..... shot was fi-red. The bear is dead. (with maximum delay and reverb) He's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone, gone, gone, gone, gone.

(Mark Northover enters dressed as a bee and runs around the stage making a buzzing sound until Robin Williams enters with his shirt off.)

Williams: Whoa, it's like Andy Warhol on crack. (William's kicks Northover in the groin and begins to do a River Dance routine around the collapsed dwarf)

(US soccer team coach Bruce Arena enters dressed as Adolf Hitler)

Arena: There was no other solution. Rabbits are also deserving of sympathy. (Arena is about to salute when US team captain Claudio Reyna slide tackles him with the studs up.)

Wait a minute. Now I'm thinking this was just a dream I had last night. Earl, Nuffy!!!!!!!!! I'm blaming you for this.