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Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Five Times the Nerdtastic Adventures

Quick nerd test. What do the letters MMORPG mean? If instead of answering the question in your head you just got angry, then you are unfortunately not nearly enough of a nerd to suit either my tastes or the tastes of the future of humanity. However, if you chuckled geekily and said in your Star Wars-clouded mind, "Silly, it means Massively Multiplayer Online RolePlaying Game," then you, yes you, are 100% grade-B Geek-Nerd. Congratulations, you've joined the ever-growing army of pretend elves and pseudo-Klingons and velcro-shoe wearing hobbit-obsessives. The future belongs to you.

For those of you who play sports or go outside occasionally instead, let me fill you in. In an MMORPG, you play a video game, but not like those quaint games of yore where yellow circle man ate mysterious pixel marks in a crude maze for endless minutes of time. Nay! We're talking about a game wherein thousands of gushing stench nerds create pseudo-morphs, such as dwarven horse tamers or magical wizardly Canadian streetwalkers, and wander about in a video game world, clashing with other unbathed persons of the nerd persuasion and earning pretend money and having pretend adventures in pretend land with pretense in every direction. It's the utterest excitement you can have, this side of a Mark Northover film festival.

By far the most popular MMORPG these days is a game called World of Warcraft, which boasts of somewhere between six million and eleventy three quadrillion subscribers on four continents, three island chains and your mom's basement. In this game, elves and lumbering green persons roam about a magical candy colored land of prancery called Azeroth and utter mysterious phrases like "WTF" and "STFU nub" and "LFM UBRS NO HUNTERS" and "GTFO I PWN U" and "I haven't looked upon a real live human being in two years. Are they as lovely as I remember them to be? Please, someone, describe what grass and sky and the Earth look like. I can't remember. *weep*." Almost every geek who is a geek of the nerdiest echelon of geekiness loves World of Warcraft, including, apparently, Dave Chappelle, the lead singer for Blue Oyster Cult, Reginald Fatneck and your grandmother.

But Nuffy Noe is no tool! I am Five Times the nerd of the nerdiest nerd who ever nerded a nerd, but I don't play tool games like World of Warcraft. I mean, come on, a whole world studying the craft of war? Who needs that trash! Probably your mom and your smelly pet hippo, but not me. Instead, I play a better game, a Five Times Better MMORPG than the geekiest MMORPG you could ever conceive of in ten thousand years of conceiving nerdy geek-nerd geek games. Yes, I play Mark Northover The MMO. Granted, there aren't many subcribers to this game, but let me just describe it to you for a paragraph or two, and you will be mouth-drippingly searching for this game in your local Best Buy ere the night is through.

In Mark Northover the MMO, you play one of three heroic archetypes: The Mark Northover, the Warwick Davis or the Al Franken. The Mark Northover is the warrior class, able to wield secret weapons that he pulls from his pocket, like the Staff of Amazing Bestness and the Pants of Egregious Non-Nudity and the Mace of Everlasting Handsome Little Personness. The Warwick Davis is the healing class, able to lay hands on the dead, the dying, the having died, the will have been dying, and the have had been dead for a while, and bring them back to glorious prancing wellness, like a pantlessly excited William Shatner. And the Al Franken is the odor-exhuding class, gushing clouds of brownish thick sauce from his gaping orifice. When you see an army of gurgling filth-gushing Al Frankens charging against a team of light-shimmering Mark Northovers wielding their Axes of Unlimited Sensuality, you know there will be epic excitement like as unto a supernova of James T. Kirkish proportions.

You see what you're missing, people? Do you see? Get the tape out, wrap it around the horn rim of your Coke bottle glasses and get back inside the house where the sun is beautifully hidden from sight. MMORPG's are calling unto you, and if you will close your eyes and turn off that stupid baseball game, you will hear their siren song licking at your ears tips.

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