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Friday, February 10, 2006

Stew's Film File

Like many of you, I love a good horror movie. I just can't get enough of horrible maimings, hellish creatures, scary twists, and typically stale acting that makes Pauly Shore's turn in Bio-Dome look like Olivier in comparison. That's why this week I would like to do a review of The Pink Panther starring Steve Martin. Just kidding, I actually want to aim my vitriol and daggers of sarcasm at what I feel is the most predictable movie of the last century, Final Destination 3. FD3, as it's known to pimply faced teens in black overcoats, is the continued story of young people escaping death... or do they! That's really all there is to the plot of this ungodly trilogy; kids escape death due to a vision, then spend the rest of the movie snuffing it in more and more gruesome and unlikely ways.

One of the multitude of questions I have concerning this slimy trio of movies concerns the prognosticator's lack of effectiveness post original "vision". Sure they can save their friends once, so that they can enjoy a few more days of working at McDonald's and fighting the scourge of acne, but then they come up short when it really counts. The other questions I have concern what kind of warped individual would pay a single cent to engorge their dark hearts with this tripe and why can't I get a good corned beef and rye sandwich anymore. I think I'll have an easier time answering the first question, since the box office for the first two versions of this unholy triumvirate have apparently spurred the producers to offer them another helping.

Since I am (thankfully) unfamiliar with the earlier films due to my love of life, truth, beauty, and corned beef, I decided to interview two of the young actor/victims of FD3, Mary Elizabeth Winstead and Ryan Merriman.

Stew: Thanks to both of you for coming by. Let's start with you Mary. Why Final Destination 3, why not do something useful with your life?

Mary: Well Stew, I was promised an audition with James Cameron if I took this role. Here's crossing my fingers.

Stew: But is that really a step up?

Mary: Well after this and The Ring 2 I'm hoping to get a part in an original picture.

Stew: I see your point. Ryan, do you hold any hope for some more wholesome casting anytime soon?

Ryan: I was in The Ring 2 also so it...(suddenly a large arc light falls from the rafters and crashes inches away from Ryan)

Stew: Good heavens, I'm terribly sorry. Are you alright?

Ryan: Yeah, but that was too close for comfort. (A bumble bee stings him on the ear. Mary tries to help him but ends up pouring a bottle of sulphuric acid on his crotch. He jumps up and steps back, tripping over Stew's bottled water and falling down 10 flights of stairs)(from the bottom) I'm OK, just some bruises.

Stew: (running to the top rail and accidentally dislodging a 10,000 lb. safe sitting precariously on the rail) Oops!

(The safe falls on Ryan crushing him into an unrecognizable pulp)

Stew: I didn't see that one coming. (returning to his seat) Mary, I just had a vision of the next twenty years of your career and it prompts me to tell you to avoid roles like Final Destination 3 or suffer the death of your hopes and dreams.

Mary: Did you see anything else?

Stew: Yeah, you were fantastic in your role in Titanic 3 - My Heart STILL Goes On.

Mary: CHA-CHING!!!!!!!

My research on the movie and interviews with the young actors left me with two conclusions concerning Final Destination 3. First, that if every other movie at the mega-multiplex cinema you frequent is sold out, this movie might be a good alternative. Especially if you enjoy a plate of predictable plot devices, sprinkled with a hint of suspense, and then lovingly frosted with copious amounts of gruesome death and vile dismemberment. Secondly, I have to find a better place to put that safe when I'm not using it.

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