Chuck Norris Blogs...People Die

Oh, just as a follow up, I discovered that Chuck Norris apparently had a weblog at one point. Rumour has it that it was shut down due to the horrendous number of casualties caused from people simply reading the thing. I managed to track down some entries via a few contacts who are still recovering from the roundhouse kicks to the face the weblog delivered. (The ones that aren't dead, I mean.)

**********

Chuck Norris' Secret Plan to Win the War on Terror

Step 1 - Track Osama Bin Laden to his secret lair in Vietnam.
Step 2 - Surprise him by slowly and menacingly rising out of the nearest river.
Step 3 - Roundhouse kick his ass into an early grave.
Step 4 - Go bowling.

posted by Chuck Norris - 10/27/2004 10:07 p.m.

--

Chuck Norris' Favorite Hobbies

1. Inflicting Pain
2. Distributing Pain
3. Causing Pain
4. Dealing Out Pain
5. Administering Pain
6. Dispensing Pain
7. Meteing Out Pain
8. Croquet - And by Croquet, I mean using those nifty little mallets to deliver some serious pain.

posted by Chuck Norris - 8/14/2004 8:04 p.m.

--

Chuck Norris Is Feeling Introspective

Sometimes, after a hard workout on the Total Gym, I wonder why I feel so totally driven to deliver heinous punishment to wrongdoers and villians, to pound their skulls into soft toffee, and split their spines open with my martial prowess. I wonder why the world is so violent, and why I, in my inimitable way, must contribute to that violence by ending the lives of so many through roundhouse kicks and smashing forearms to the throat. I wonder if perhaps there is another way, a way that eschews brutality and callous force, a way that reaches into the very soul of another human being and touches them, moves them to change their selfish viewpoint, and look outside themselves.

Usually though, this pisses me off and so I kill a few dozen guys with my bare hands and feet to make me feel better. Also, the blood makes my skin smooth and shiny.

posted by Chuck Norris - 5/5/2004 3:29 p.m.

--

Chuck Norris Is Handy Around the House

For those of you who enjoy helping with domestic responsibilities, but don't want to look like a wuss, here are a few handy tips that I use at home:

• Having trouble getting tough stains out of the rug? Be tougher, you wimp. A few well placed foot stomps will wear down any stain. One side-effect you have to watch out for is unintentional holes in the floor. Concrete isn't all it's made out to be.
• Have a dog that keeps leaving little "presents" around the house? Show him who the real Alpha Male is. A few roundhouse kicks to any pooch's head will let him know what the cold price of failure is. One potential downside is that if you put too much fear or pain on your dog, they will REALLY soil the carpet...and don't overdo it, as blood is even harder to get out of a carpet than poop.
• Nothing makes a family picture stand out like a frame made of human finger bones.
• Dusting is a completely unnecessary task. A regular regimen of roundhouse kicks will generate enough air flow to remove a layer of dust up to ten inches thick.
• When making Quiche Lorraine, I always find that the bacon tastes fresher if I've killed the pigs with my own bare hands.
• A small apron will keep you from getting too dirty. If you're worried about someone making fun of you, just remember that people can't make fun of your apron if you're strangling them with it.
• If you're looking to refurbish your plush furniture, nothing says both style and comfort like denim.

posted by Chuck Norris - 2/3/2004 7:41 p.m.