If we wanted to use more than 140 characters, we'd be writing more here.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

They mean business...THIS TIME!!!!

The world is moist with frightful anticipation of what King Ill Dong will do next. Will he perform another test of one of his "nuclear bombs"?(said while making quote marks with hands) Will he appear on Oprah and declare his love for Gayle King? Will Puffy Ami Yumi write a protest song? I think the more important question at this time is: Why is this crazy little bespecled troll so mad and what can the world do about it? The answer to the first part may have to do with polyester and chafing but it's the last part that has many world leaders up in arms.

As Earl so eloquently put it earlier, we don't like to dabble too much in the socio-political, geo-political, or psycho-political realms as these are best left to small-brained arthropods with penchants for using pictures of political figures with human mouths mockingly chroma-keyed on them. (Conan excepted because he actually made it cool for a while.) However, we will make an exception for Mr. Dong since he is so wacked out and a funny little bugger to boot.

It appears that the United Nations is preparing to get down with their bad-selves and hit North Korea with sanctions. While the UN is as effective as a doggie door in an hippo cage, we must suppose that they are going to take this situation seriously and impose the harshest of sanctions. (sounds of Stew falling off chair and laughing.......continuing for approximately ten minutes until he is actually coughing due to the extreme pressure on his diaphram produced by his gulping of air between guffaws) Sorry where was I, oh yeah, the sanction thing, anyway we only wonder what actually occurs in the closed chambers of the Security Council. So here it is.

UN Security Council closed meeting on North Korea

Secretary General: Ok, let's come to order. We are here today to discuss the sanctions proposed for North Korea in light of their present activities. We have many interesting ideas that have been presented. For instance Trinidad and Tobago has suggested we take away his chicken, China has proposed a time out on the little chair, France has suggested a new haircut and couture, and the United States wants to cut his subscription to Juggs.

French Ambassador: Zis ees out-ra-geous! Taking a man's porn eez not zi answer. Surely, we cannot be so cruel.

U.S. Ambassador: (chewing on mustache) Shut up Frenchie!

SG: Gentlemen, gentlemen please. This is a very serious matter and we must settle on a regime of sanctions that has teeth and a tersely worded statement. Now, who had the pastrami on rye?

Russian Ambassador: Mr. Secretary General, the Russian people are a proud people. We have survived may struggles from...

(one hour later)

and we have grown stronger and more united with every passing year.

SG: (waking up) Oh yes. What is your suggestion then?

Russia: We will launch an all out nuclear assault on Pyongyang, obliterating them from the peninsula.

(General grumbling and shocked faces on the other ambassadors)

SG: I can't believe what I am hearing. This is an outrage and...

Russia: (peeling off mask to reveal Ashton Kuchar) You've been punk'd!!!!!!

(General relief and laughter followed by Kuchar being subdued by guards and removed from the chambers) (followed by more laughter)

SG: Since we have a decent list of sanctions, let's try to work on the letter. Don't forget we need to be as terse as possible here. I say we start out, "Dear Glorious Leader".

U.S.: That's not too freakin' terse, how about "Dear Killer Commie"?

UK: Let's just drop the "Dear".

(Gasps all around, besides a smile on the US Ambassadors face)

SG: (warming to the idea) Damn!

UK: Just a suggestion.

SG: Gentlemen, we are entering uncharted territory here. Let the record show... we are removing the salutation and in its place will simply be "YO".


From: UN Security Council

To: Kim Jong-Il - North Korea


The United Nations representatives have met and deem your current acts as a provocation and must condemn them in the strongest of terms. Furthermore, sanctions will be presented for a vote by the General Assembly. (See list below)

  • Holding back certain food aid and technological aid.
  • Reducing your staff at the UN.
  • Soup and sandwiches on Monday now reduced to just sandwich.
  • Taking away your chicken.
  • Hairspray shipments cease until you do something about your 'du.
  • Red bandana's can be worn only on Wednesdays.
  • No free Starbucks.

Please understand that this is a serious matter and we will not stand for further activity that threatens the world. Strike one, mister!!!!!!!!!

Your friends (don't lose us),

UN Security Council


Post a Comment

<< Home