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Monday, September 25, 2006

Save the Roaches!!!

PETA, or People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (or as we at DOUI like to refer to them, Americans Striving to Spoil Eating Sausages) have taken up the case of a new, mistreated and abused member of the animal kingdom and pulled it into their warm, smothering, flat, vegan bosoms:

The giant, hissing Madagascar Cockroach. You know, that insect that looks just like a regular roach, only much louder and large enough to drive off in your Astin-Martin.

PETA's action is in response to a new Halloween contest that the Six Flags amusement parks have initiated, whereby anyone who eats a live, hissing cockroach gets preferred status in queues around the park. That's right, scarf a large, noisemaking insect into your gullet and you get to jump line on any ride in the park, most of which will have you throwing the nasty thing right back up again. They should entitle it "Scarf and Barf." (Six Flags, call my representation and we'll talk about the rights.)

In the meantime, PETA has declared war on this particularly cruel form of entertainment. Of course, the real cruelty is the one infected on the stupid git who's perfectly happy to munch on a giant cockroach so they can jump to the front of the line to ride Tatsu for the 73 time. "What's that between your teeth, mate? It looks like a big, hairy roach leg! Blimey, they do go for the cheap hot dogs here, don't they!"

Ironically, Tatsu is the most common surname for a cockroach in the world, like Smith or Wang. Just observing...

As reported by The Boston Herald, PETA, came to the defense of these poor, semi-flying, motel infesting, dirty little buggers, by claiming that cockroaches have been given a bad reputation, and that, “They are gentle, complex animals.”

Right, I've always noted that the little bastards who get caught in the Roach Motels I used to keep around the flat were too busy solving differential equations or working out complex metaphysical systems to bother chewing off their legs and squirming to freedom, like many less complex mammals and lizards.

Maybe they just seem complex to PETA officials, who seem to thrive on an ethical simplicity that would leave a rock scorpion underwhelmed.

Anyway, according to the Herald, a representative from Six Flags said that they are going through with the planned contest. "Nothing will squash it now," claimed Melissa Pinkerton, Public Relations Manager for Six Flags New England, and amateur headline writer for the New York Daily News.

She also pointed out that cockroaches are high in protein and low in fat, just to avoid additional pressure from the Centre for Science in the Public Interest, who were all ready to launch a new, "Cockroaches are Heart-Attacks on a Silver Six Flags Platter" advert campaign .

In a related story, Jenny Craig just announced a totally new diet, called the "Six Legs to Health" diet, with a secret, hissing ingredient.

Kirstie Alley has been slated to lead the promotional campaign, just as soon as she stops retching into her hat.


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