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Saturday, September 23, 2006

Has Bin Laden Snuffed It?

Is Osama Bin Laden (or as we at DOUI like to call him, Porky) dead? Some intelligence reports suggest that he died recently from typhoid. French intelligence denied it though, releasing a statement that in part said, "We don't want to declare victory too soon, or ever for that matter," and also, "If necessary, we will surrrender to Osama's corpse, if we can find it."

To my French friends reading this, I know you are as appalled as we are. Keep sending us that champagne and Camembert though, bless your culinary souls.

Over the last few years, there have been several suggestions that Bin Laden has checked out. Some said he was killed a Bora Tora. Others suggest that he died a few years ago of liver failure. It's like reading Rasputin's obituary, only without the sexual references.

Some have even suggested that Al Queda is keeping Bin Laden's death a secret because he didn't go out as a martyr, but instead, died cowering in a cave, like the goatherding, effeminate, vicious poltroon he is. Very plausible, that.

Listen, there's a simple answer to all this. If Osama's still alive, he could simply pop up one day in downtown Kabul and let everyone know. He would be cut to ribbons with automatic machine-gun fire, but we'd at least have our answer. If he's dead, they could just pull an El Cid and strap his corpse to a horse and send it towards a Bradley fighting vehicle, or do a Used Cars and put him in a sedan and steer it towards something large and flammable.

Either way, everyone's happy, so long as he doesn't take anyone with him, including the horse.

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