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Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Yuki-san! Look out for that monster!!!

Well, I for one am gratified to see that Stew has moved on from his reverent hero-worship of well-known undead actor Peter Graves. I feel Stew's newest enthusiasm, for Japanese-styled monster/science-fiction movies, is much more well-placed than reliving episodes of Mission Impossible, as directed by George Romero.

So, in the spirit of collegiality(and in a sneaky attempt to get Linus to post more, as he loves this sort of crap), allow me to make some suggestions in the area of Japanese-style sci-fi monster films for a new era:


  • Gingricha, the Two-Headed Monster - Havoc ensues in Tokyo when former U.S. Congressman Newt Gingrich is accidentally trapped in a special compartment, which is then accidentally flooded with a peculiar form of radiation, the origin of which appears to be former child star Justine Bateman. Instantly, Gingrich is mutated into a massive 400-foot tall giant, with two heads. One head, called Talkushow Gingricha, is always smiling and discussing the fortunes of GOP control of the U.S. Houses of Congress, while caustically dismissing Democrats as "pinheads." The other, Porutishian Gingricha, is predisposed to accidentally swallowing his own gigantic feet, and accidentally stepping on Tokyo. He is eventually defeated when he is eaten by a gigantic, mutated Dennis Hastert.
  • Moorethra - Whilst promoting his film Farenheit 911 and 5/6ths in the year 2023, filmmaker Michael Moore accidentally eats a radioactive cheeseburger and finds himself mutated into an even more gigantic version of himself, about 3 feet taller and 4 feet wider, only with giant moth-wings. He flies all over Tokyo, terrorizing the populace, especially all-you-can-eat restauranteurs and news cameramen, and generally blowing dust up people's noses. He is accompanied by three minature women, named the Dixie Chicks, whom he accidentally squishes after absent-mindedly putting them in his back pocket and then napping in one of those Tokyo mini-hotel rooms. He is defeated when the Tokyo Film Festival declares his film "repetitive and didactic."
  • Cruiseilla - During a promotional tour in Tokyo for his new film L. Ron Hubbard Conquers the World, Tom Cruise accidentally eats a piece of radioactive sushi and mutates into a gigantic, monstrous, Katie Holmes-pawing reptile who is rumoured to also have a creepy attraction to male Scientologists. The film ends when nobody notices the difference.
  • Gravezilla - A sequel to Cruiseilla. Whilst visiting a Mission Impossible convention (Phelps-a-palooza) in Tokyo, well-known undead actor Peter Graves accidentally eats the flesh of a gigantic mutated Tom Cruise, thinking it was just the normal, everyday Tom Cruise. He is mutated into a gigantic, ancient dinosaur with a pronounced taste for White Castle burgers, RC Cola, and cuttlefish snacks. After trashing much of Tokyo, he then settles down with Nicole Kidman and has 7 kids, all of them abnormally large C-section deliveries, and writes his memoirs "I Was A Giant Flesh-Eating Undead Lizard Who Got It On with Tom Cruise's Ex-Wife." The book is an enormous hit in Tokyo and L.A., despite the fact that it is written in Swedish. The film ends when Gravezilla is offered a contract with the New York Yankees and hits 112 home runs in one season whilst on a steady diet of creatine and minor-league scouts.


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