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Thursday, September 21, 2006

Linus WHO?

Linus Coconut? That's not a legal name, my friends and gentry. I suspect it is one of them there, what you might call, little ole pseudonyms. I can't prove it, of course, but I have contacts in the secret information underworld, so let me just say that various and sundry of these creepy sneaky contacts have told me that the latest blogger here in this Dictionary of Unfortunate Ideas is not, I repeat for no reason, NOT who he claims to be.

In fact, I recently interviewed the patriarch of the Coconut family, based out of Bidville, Arkansas. None other that Eldrich Coconut sat down with me on a tattered velvet couch in his barn, and while we sipped goat milk out of tin cans and munched on pickled sow dainties, I asked him the pertninentest questions in the history of time.

ME -- Mr. Coconut, are you or have you ever been related to a certain person named Linus Coconut?

ELDRICH -- En't n'Linus in dis'ere fambly, ne'er was n'r were on 'count of I en't gun name nob'dee dis'n or dat'n type name.

ME -- I'll take that as a no. No, you say, there is no one named Linus in the entire Coconut family. I can put you on record as having said no?

ELDRICH -- Pendin' on wacher gun say dem dere rec'rd fer, getcha what, hey?

ME -- So it is definitely a NO. There is no such person, legally or otherwise, as Linus Coconut.

ELDRICH -- Whanchoo put dan'ere whever you t'ank whachoo hafter say, see now, wha?

ME -- Right. And who would you suspect this Linus Coconut might, in truthiness, actually be?

ELDRICH -- Hey whancher telly wif dem's ran down dem diff'nt dere, heya, fafoo, charee, mingoid?

At this point, the milk cow fell over and we had to end the interview so Eldrich Coconut could hoist her back onto her pedestal. But I think I heard enough. Yes, quite enough to tell me that Linus Coconut is neither a real Linus nor a true Coconut. Pseudonym, indeed. Who could this Linus Coconut be? Sources that I have, secret type creepy moustache sources, have narrowed the possibilities down to three:

1) Telly Savalas
2) Warwick Davis
3) Bill O'Reilly's favorite talking felt hat

In the coming days, no doubt, the truth about which of these three persons/things Linus Coconut really and truly and actually is will be revealed, and my money is on number 3.


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