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Monday, October 09, 2006

Google Tubing

Google has bought You Tube outright for $1.65 billion U.S., which proves that one company can purchase another solely on the phantom value of its stocks. The chief executive of You Tube, a company created for around $11 million U.S. just a year ago said that he was delighted about the sale. This was after having had a change of pants at least 3 times.

Some people wonder what this will mean for You Tube's oddball assortment of video personalities now that a massive conglomerate like Google has bought them out. Excuse me, I have to stop the snickering... No, seriously, nothing will happen to these people because Google doesn't have a clue what to do with You Tube except continue to run it and hope that it doesn't break.

Indeed, aside from the censorship of Lonelygirl 15's obsessive, self-referential, fictionalised rants in China, and the censorship of the obessive, self-referential, semi-fictionalised rants of her chief detractor Renetto (which ironically is Portugese for Lonelyguy 15) in college fraternities, little can be expected to change. The freaky videos will still be there (because the Chinese Communists are all about opiates for the masses) and the political paranoia will still be as rampant as Justin Timberlake's bad taste.

However, one might expect Google to get a little more programmatic, perhaps even contrivedly so, in order to recoup some of the enormous expense in paying the broker for this transaction.

Some suggestions as to what we might see on You Tube soon:

Bradelygirl 15 - The video journal of what happens when Brad Pitt gets tired of Angelina Jolie's globetrotting do-gooderness and decides to shack up with an underaged, underground, fake-personal-video maven. Lots of talking and silliness, and pretend revelations about Angelina.

The NoHo Girls Go Martha - Housewarming and fixer-up tips from the strange trio of young women who enjoy lounging around in jammies and dishing on their peculiar boyfriends. (Not that I've seen more than the one clip...really) Epsiode 1: How to make a doily out of an old worn out nightie. Coming Soon to K-Marts wherever they haven't closed down.

Naruto Bootlegs - No change from the current You Tube listings, except for the added commercials from Google.

The Week in Computer and Video Games - The best of over one zillion clips from innocuous gaming events recorded by bored little gits hyped up on caffiene while they wait for the next episode of Naruto. As mesmerising as the new Survivor series.

The VioletKitty411 Top 40 Countdown - The female version of Scott Walker counts down the week's top hits by singing them all to some of the greatest elevator music arrangements ever written. It's a shame ToneLoc's not still cranking out the hits, just to see what she could do with one of those. Guest appearances by Michael Bolton and Barry Manilow.


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