The real problem is the lard in some people's brains

New York City is going all out to protect your health, whether you want them to or not. The Mayor's administration is planning to ban trans-fatty acids in all foods inside the city, which of course means that millions of New Yorkers will soon be flocking to New Jersey for doughnuts, to avoid the healthful, bland, deadened taste of the monosaturated ones in the Big Apple.

Approved alternatives to the offending trans-fats are: cardboard, foam, marmite, polystyrene, shark fin, ibuprofen, and soy protein that has had all the flavour sucked out of it by radioactive mutant anteaters. Some people refer to this last option as "tofu."

The city plans to enforce this measure by fining restaurants and other eateries that rely upon the deadly, but highly tasty trans-fatty acids. If fines do not work, the Bloomberg Administration is purportedly prepared to take stronger measures, including, in order of severity: jail sentences, health sanctions and closures, waterboarding, flogging, red-hot pokers, burying offending cooks in Central Park up to their necks and releasing fire ants, forcing people to listen to the audio versions of Emeril Lagasse's books and/or the "music" of Ashley Simpson, and, if absolutely necessary, firing squads (and if absolutely, absolutely necessary, firing squads whilst the music of Ashley Simpson is played... "You make me want to [BANG!]").

The firing squads will use steel bullets to avoid lead poisoning in the condemned. After all, this is about our health, you know.