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Wednesday, December 13, 2006

That's Franken-steen.

Livescience.com has a rather interesting (if older) article on strange lab animals. After reading about mice with an extra (human) ear, sheep with human organs, spiderweb-lactating goats, mice with human brain cells, and Suessaphilian swine, I have come to the following conclusion regarding genetics researchers:

Genetics researchers are congenitally deranged*

The human ear on the mouse was what put them over the top. Dr. Frankenstein was an amateur by comparison. Just think, if he'd given his monster bull horns.

Mind you, there has to be some value in genetic experimentation on animals, beyond a desire to pass the initiation test for The Island of Dr. Moreau Fan Club.

So, with an eye on helping mankind, and trying to prevent researchers from all morphing into the bloated, insane doctor that Marlon Brando effortlessly portrayed in the film (mainly because he didn't have to act), here are some suggestions for really valuable genetic monstrosities ...erm ...I mean, freaks.

  • Rhinocerhorse - A work animal that can plough from the front. Sure, machines can do it faster, but what about the Amish need? (And what a conversation piece at the next barn-raising! "Martin, dost thou see thine horse prong?")
  • Greyhoundhare - Perfect for the dog track, this is one rabbit that the hounds will never catch. Also, it would be quite amusing to watch this one chase its little cotton tail.
  • Porkosnake - No, this isn't the title of a Russ Meyer film, you naughty people. Rather, it's the answer to the world's baby-back rib' needs. These little beauties will have dozens of them.
  • Rotttiger - Combine a Rottweiler and a tiger and what do you get? A sharp uptick in burglar fatalities. Imagine a giant, striped Rottweiler that purrs.
  • German Spiderherd - Another variation on guard dogs, this one can trap its prey in a massive, sticky web, right before it chews it to ribbons. Also, the two-dozen eyes will keep this canine-arachnid sharply alert, if not psychotic.
  • Chickenpede - Frustrated because you've run out of chicken legs at dinner. Never again with this multi-footed fowl. Perfect for Southern American and Chinese restuaranteurs.
  • Bullion - Ay, Caramba! The toreador who can stand up to this menace will be renowned for ages. Is it a bull, or a lion? Sharp horns, teeth, and claws will make it seem like a living buzzsaw to the bullfighters and bull-runners who cross this nasty beast.

*All rights reserved, 2006, 2007. I think this will catch on.

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