It's Oscars time. Somebody wake the Grouch.

Monday, December 11, 2006

Who'd have better chemistry with Jesus? Cameron or Drew?*

Universal Studios has decided to make a romantic comedy about a woman who goes out on a blind date with Jesus.

No that's not Jesus Alou, former baseball player with the San Franscisco Giants. The woman goes on a blind date with Jesus, son of Mary and Joseph. That's Jesus, as in the Son of God, Messiah, the King of Kings, etc. I've heard many a high concept before, but this time they went right to the top.

The film will be produced by Brian "Sparkplug" Grazer and written by his wife Mimi Levangie Grazer and noted VH1 executive Mimi James. As long as there's no nepotism, I suppose.

According to the Variety article linked above, the plot "revolves around a workaholic single woman who is set up on a date by her mother. Her date, a handsome, kind and caring carpenter who works at Ikea, turns out to be Jesus Christ, who's returned for Armageddon and settled in contemporary Los Angeles."

I'm certainly not an expert on the Holy Bible, but I'm fairly certain nothing in the Book of Revelations directly or even symbolically refers to Ikea. Could you imagine if the people at Ikea found out? The adverts would be appalling. ("Ikea - Fine Furniture from the Hands of God" or "Ikea Furniture by Jesus - Isn't it Divine?")

Even more strange though is the notion that Jesus would allow Himself to become entangled in a blind date. This is the same Jesus who predicted His death and resurrection, who perceived the minds of the Pharisees as He debated them, and who performed miracles with greater ease than it takes the average human being to open a 2-litre of fizzy pop. So why should anyone believe that He would be easily confounded by some matchmakerly matron in His building into dinner and a film with her career-minded, worldly daughter? Surely, He'd just reference the part about rendering unto Ceasar what is Ceasar's (or whatever the woman's name is, let's say for argument's sake that in this case it's Mrs. Portnoy, ) and then get back to preparing for the imminent eschaton.

Of course, He would also be well placed to recommend a suitable substitute.

"I'm sorry Mrs. Portnoy, you're daughter Jane is a lovely woman, although too preoccupied with her job, the affairs of this temporary world, and Brad Pitt's anatomy. However, Michael in 234A would be a perfect partner for her, having similar interests in the advertising world and tennis, and he has no psychological abnormalities beyond mild germophobia and obsessive teeth-brushing."

(Not that Jesus would sound this flippant, of course...I was just trying to channel Gigi and Mimi, should they have a change of heart and go for more realism.)

Also, why would Los Angeles be the optimal settling spot for Our Lord? I realise that most film executives naturally assume that if and when Armageddon comes, it will start with the failure of their latest, biggest project (the latest Rocky sequel is a good candidate in my view), but does this make practical sense? No, of course not. There, I've said it. Someone needed to. (Sorry, Zimpter.)

No, the more likely spots would be Israel, or possibly the United Nations, or perhaps Radio City Music Hall, but only if it were a musical.

According to the article, Gigi Grazer explained that they were not seeking to offend. "It'll be a disarming romantic comedy, a story of unrequited love, sort of like 'Splash.'"

Grazer also said she got the idea for a romantic comedy about the coming Armageddon from driving around L.A. and "Britney Spears showing her crazy monkey to everybody." Well, that's two "crazy monkeys" in one article.

No word on whether Mel Gibson will direct or not.

*Lord have mercy on me for this one.

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