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Friday, June 09, 2006

Smells like teen spirit...and sardines.

KISS, the 70's original glam-rock and hair band, is going into the business of producing fragrances for men and women. Please hold your laughter, I'm not done yet. Apparently, the band has not yet offended our senses enough and now they wish to foist their brand of pungent toilet water on the trailer-entrenched masses. That's another way of saying their going to sell bad smelling perfume to trailer trash, but I wanted to flower it up a bit, pun intended. The article says that they will, "contain a heady blend of black cumin, white pepper, dark rum, cypress, moss and honeyed amber blend (pour homme) and crushed red peppercorns, wet fig leaves, wild red poppy, musky bare skin accord, shiny patent leather and vintage mahogany (pour femme). Is this a salad, potpourri, or just the horrible, fetid nightmare that most reasonable people would expect from the guys that subjected us to the stink-bomb KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park.

Does anyone out there really in their heart of hearts want to smell like Gene Simmons or Ace Frehley? I won't even mention Peter Criss (whoops). I think I'll just stick to the unlimited supply of Stetson that Lukas sends me every Christmas, at least it has hints of cowhide, Jack Daniels, alfalfa, and tumbleweed. Since my mind is a is a raging torrent, flooded with rivulets of thought cascading into a waterfall of creative alternatives (thank you Hedley Lamarr), I'm of the opinion that other celebrities and noted individuals should try their hand at designer fragrances. Oh, where to begin.

  • Eau de Oprah - with hints of Virginia Baked Ham, Herm├Ęs leather bags, Tom Cruise, and $100 dollar bills this is THE fragrance for the woman who knows what she wants and buys it.
  • Gates of Bill - Bill Gates new scent has the smell of microchips, soldering irons, burning wires, and oversized acrylic sweaters. Father's Day is not far off ladies.
  • Al Gore's: An Inconvenient Aroma - with whiffs of industrial smoke stack, retention ponds, diesel fumes, and greenhouse gases this is the fragrance for the liberal who wants to scourge himself daily.
  • Eau de Earl - with hints of football leather, newly made nylon, Ronaldinho's (pronounced Ronald-een-YO's) jockstrap, and turf, it's just what the doctor ordered for those days of World Cup action.
  • Jorge Carlito's Surprise - has the smell of carne asada, burned tortillas, prison guard, and license plate paint and comes in a Danny Devito shaped Egg sprayer.
  • Stench de Stew - top notes of burning hickory, athlete's foot fungus, and lark's vomit belie the true aromatic power of the burrito flatulence. Magnificent.
  • Shaq-tastic - the scent of sweat, Icey-Hot patches, spare-ribs, and Kazaam combine to tell a waiting public, "Here I am, don't be too offended."

Coming to a Wal-mart near you very soon.


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