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Friday, June 02, 2006

This is going too far!!!!!

Scrolling through the news today this headline seems to stick out, "David Copperfield to Impregnate Woman Onstage". Now backstage sure, but ONSTAGE? I think that has got to be wrong on so many levels I can't fathom them all. Copperfield says he will do it without touching her in any way, but hasn't that line been a bit over used through the years. Anyhow, even though it will all surely be another hoax propagated (literally, I guess) by the malevolent Mr. Copperfield, it certainly gives one the heebie-jeebies. I would rather he just make the Statue of Liberty disappear again or fill Madison Square Garden with ravenous eels.

Today I'm not here to talk about the randy goings-on of David Copperfield, but in my limited time I want you to relate to you a topic of the utmost gravity: My twenty year high school reunion. Yes, one of the string of events that leads one into the "old dude" phase of their lives is upon me and this very evening I will be attending its first night. Some of you might be saying things like, "Twenty years isn't that long" or, "I remember my twenty year reunion" or even, "Lay that horsewhip to my back cowboy." To them (Except that last guy - I'm going to avoid him) I would say, just let me wallow in self-pity.

What does the night hold in store for me? Superficial conversations over hors d'oeuvres and the latest vintage of Budweiser with guys who have nicknames like: Worm, the Forehead, Spaz, Skinny, and the Wop. For most, this will be followed by many more trips to the keg, falling down in the parking lot, and passing out. I will not be included in the last group having left much earlier after talking to the few I want to see. For a little background, without giving any personal info, I went to an all boys Catholic boarding school. There, I admit it and now you understand the depth of my psychosis. While I was a day student and not a boarder, I was tortured in numerous mental and physical ways just like every good Catholic boarding school student should be.

Your first year at a Catholic school such as I attended, is spent trying to survive into your second year at a Catholic school. One of the rites of passage we day student freshmen endured was being hoisted up by a rope tied around our feet and thrown over the branch of a tree. We were then either beaten or psychologically tortured (How I wish this was a joke), and then you had to carry an upperclassman's books to his class, ensuring you were late for yours. We called that a good day. For the next year or so you endured the same punishment awaiting the day that you would become an upperclassman and be able to dish out your own repressed angst. Will the cycle ever be broken? I think we'll be enjoying the energy produced by cold fusion and flying rocket cars to work before that day will come, but there is always hope for the next class of pimply adolescents.

So off I go to enjoy a night of reliving the hazy past with a group of people I rarely if ever see. I just hope David Copperfield's not providing the entertainment.

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