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Sunday, May 28, 2006

Five Times the Mutated People

I just saw what is most assuredly an Academy Award winning film, and a film which teaches us that being beautifully deformed is more glorious than a thousand winters of freedom. It was the recently unleashed film X-Men 3: The Last Stand, and not to give anything away, but it ends with a violent fire storm of destruction as deformed people go swirling away into a vortex of hatred. I will not give away any of the secrets of the film, such as when the man with the four necks destroys that one dude with the giant toenals using some kind of head-imploding device, but I will tell you about my five times favorite characters in the film:

1) Wolverine -- This is the best deformed person in the entire movie, for he has big metal sticks that come out of his elbows and a weird facial hair type beard with some kind of James Dean hairdo. He is a wild, wild crazy man that runs around and sweats and loves people and screams.

2) Beast -- This is a man with like a weird color of skin and hair, maybe sort of a purple or something, and his gigantic big feet allow him to do exciting wire-work like flying through the air and flashing yellow teeth. At one point, he kills everyone else in the movie and makes the movie end prematurely.

3) Brown Pants -- This X-Man has secret pants that explode with a powerful odor, knocking down opponents and crumbling walls. He holds the secret to the key to the hidden door in the security lab where the X-Men find the Deformation Device which saves America from the Plague.

4) Big N Pretty -- This guy is really big and sort of pretty and sits in a little blue chair for most of the movie, telling us what will happen in the next scene. He helps prepare us for the next scene by telling us exactly what each character will do before he or she does it. Big N Pretty gets killed in the second to last scene by having a plate glass window shoved through his colon.

5) Stabbo Killo McBritches -- This is a deformed superhero with seventy three eyes, who can see into the past and into the future but cannot see the present. He also shoots beams of pure Moon energy from his fifteenth and thirty fourth eye, and he can fly by flapping his nostrils, which are the size of condor wings. Stabbo Killo McBritches is the one who saves the day at the end of the film by detonating the Universe Unravelling Device which demolishes the City of Underwater Man-Fiends.

and the bonus deformed person...

6) Creepoman The Shadow Weirdo -- This is the villain in the film, who turns out to be the son of Professor Gregxavier Stilto. He is created when the Professor drips a drop of his sacred blood into a vat of Life Generating Oils. I won't give away too much, but Creepoman The Shadow Weirdo dies in the third scene of the Second Act of the movie when Wolverine makes a sandwich out of what he thinks is bologna but which is actually Creepoman's living soul and eats it.

All in all, this is the best Halle Berry vehicle since Catwoman and the greatest motion picture in the history of time. Fail to see it at your own peril. Yes, you read that correctly. Fail to see it at your own peril. I'm talking to you, Earl Fando.


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