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Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Stew is out there somewhere...

...meaning he's returned from his annual sojourn to Disney World, where he and his family make a pilgrimmage to commune with giant rats, trouserless ducks, large misshapen talking dogs, and gigantic yellow non-talking dogs, who apparently don't breed with the talking ones. Also, I am sure they met many princesses, as Disney World is crawling with them the way Amsterdam is crawling with courtesans (strangely enough, the dress code is quite similar, or so I hear). I'm sure they heard many, many songs as well...and went shopping. Disney World is really just a gigantic shopping mall disguised as a theme park. Surely, you don't think Walt made all that money from the movies? The Rescuers? The Aristocats? Herbie Goes to Monte Carlo? Please.

He also may have run across U.S. National Soccer (football) Team player Gregg Berhalter, who was on vacation with his family there when he learnt that he'd been called up to the national team. Which means that Berhalter may have gone directly from It's a Small World to the World Cup, which is the lamest joke I could think of. I was considering something involving Epcot, you know, "He went from visiting Epcot Italy to playing Italy," but there's really not much there. It'd be one thing if he was munching on a gigantic novelty biscotti when he got the phone call, or drowning his sorrows in Peroni, but being a well-conditioned footballer, he was probably eating a baked chicken wrap, and sipping Dasani in between laps around the World Pavilion.

Stew did run into PGA golfer and former US Open Champion Jim Furyk on a previous visit to UberDisney. Furyk is the man whose golf swing is so ungainly that commentator and former player David Feherty once described it as looking like "A man trying to kill a snake in a phone booth." Anyway, I can't remember the details of the encounter except that Furyk apparently had a fairly normal swing before Stew gave him a few "pointers." The last time Stew gave me golf pointers, I nearly killed the starter at our local course, who was standing about 300 yards behind me and up a hill behind trees. One thing you can say about Stew and golf: The man knows how to get distance.

Anyway, bug him for me will you. Send him e-mail begging for a post or four. Make fun of his collection of Addidas golf shirts. Refer to him as "Stewby." Ask him about his magical encounter with a Yeti. (This last bit is also an attempt to draw Zimpter out. Zimpter would leapfrog a skyscraper to catch a glimpse of a yeti or Bigfoot.) Tell him it's for the good of humanity.


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