Jumping for Nothing

According to the Associated Press, a 52-year old Ohio man named Lester Clancy was just awarded a patent for a cordless jump-rope. That's right, the "jump-rope" has two handles and no rope. The AP report did not state whether Mr. Clancy's brain damage was permanent or temporary. The Patent Office's brain damage is most definitely permanent.

Apparently the "rope" handles have moving weights inside them, to simulate the actual weight and feel of a jump-rope. Clancy claims this will allow clumsy people to jump-rope without any of the inherent hazards involved, such as falling, tripping, or having small, highly-coordinated children point and laugh at you. I might add that this is also a perfect invention for people who are too stupid to jump rope. How does one know whether they are too stupid to jump rope? You invented, granted a patent to, or own a cordless jump-rope.

Still, I'm not above cashing in on a fad or two at the expense of people who gain enormous pleasure from owning useless junk that slightly boosts their rock-bottom self-esteem. So, here are a few ideas I'm rushing to the Patent Office right away, if some clever huckster...I mean inventor, hasn't beaten me to them.

• The Wheel-less Unicycle - Always wanted to ride a unicycle like circus clowns or high-wire daredevils, but you're too clumsy to even manage to stay up on a bicycle long enough to say, "Look honey, no hands?" This is perfect for an uncoordinated goof like you. This unicycle's wheel has been replaced by a 500 Kg flat base that is guaranteed to keep you upright, even in gale force winds! Pedal away and get enormous amounts of calorie-burning exercise, while living your dream to be a freakish circus star! Not responsible for wear and tear to buttocks or groin, or verbal abuse from family, friends, strangers, and members of our company.
• The Blade-less Axe - Always wanted to chop wood like Paul Bunyan or those lumberjacks on Wide World of Sports, but you're so clumsy a real axe would only split your clavicle? Our axe doesn't have a blade at all! Instead, it comes with a weighted, but heavily padded oval head that couldn't cut it's way through your webbed-toes! The head contains a special playback device that loudly simulates the sound of a split log any time you swing it. So you can fool the neighbours into thinking all that shop-bought wood was personally split by you from behind your privacy fence. Comes with a large bag of wood splinters and chips that you can throw in the air for greater realism.
• The Key-Less Keyboard - Sure, regular musical keyboards have built in songs that you can pretend to play along with, but what if you're so clumsy that you accidentally hit the real keys and mess up the whole tune, you blithering idiot? This keyboard has no keys at all, so the only way you could spoil the performance is to knock the keyboard over with your ungainly and spasmodic dancing, or accidentally strangle yourself with the cord whilst plugging it in. (We are not legally responsible for either of these, by the way. It says so right on the packaging in big, blue letters.)
• The Bullet-less Revolver - Always wanted a gun for home defence but you're too afraid of accidents because you can't figure out the trigger lock? This is the gun for you! This gun won't even hold bullets!! Instead, every time you pull the trigger, a carefully modulated gunshot will sound off at over 100 decibels. Simply fire a few "warning shots" in the air, and most trespassers will head for the hills. Not recommended for actual defence against an armed opponent, such as gangsters, gang-members, or anyone else with guns containing actual bullets.