Top 10 Reasons We Should Win Funniest Blog

The 2006 Weblog Awards, the world's largest blog competition, with over a million votes cast, are upon us (I hope that was "deferential" enough to keep the judges from hitting the "Back" button. Did I mention that all the judges and voters for the competition are finalists for People Magazine's Most Beautiful issue? I suspect it's not on the Awards website because they're so modest).

Anyway, as all such contests contain their fair share of lobbying, I'd like to do my bit. As I never got around to sending off my request for video clips endorsing the site from Bono, Steve Martin, Cher, John McCain, and Captain Beany, this will have to do as the next best thing.

The Top 10 Reasons The Dictionary of Unfortunate Ideas Should Win "Best Humor Blog" in the 2006 Weblog Awards

by Earl Fando

10. We have the funniest name for a blog - With the possible exception of "The Carbolic Smoke Ball," we feel we clearly have the most amusing name for a humour blog, and we went to great lengths to decide on it (see here for the evidence). "Scrappleface"? It's a lovely blog, but just what the hell does "Scrappleface" mean? "Jesus' General"? Attitude does not equal wit, as David Letterman points out...and we should know, having tried both. Bonus: The word "Dictionary" lends itself to a number of phallic puns!

9. Our names are funny, too - Nuffy Noe, Stew Miller, Earl Fando, Linus Coconut, Zimpter Fiforg...who else identifies themselves in such an odd fashion. Oh, all right, "Miller"'s not a particularly outlandish name, but "Stew?" It reeks of zany cannabilistic irony!

8. Tom Cruise hates us - Oh, he's never publicly said so, and he's probably never even read the blog. We just know his people do though, and what venom they must spew when they mention us. If we weren't funny, they wouldn't pay any attention at all every time we point out what a screwball that escapee from a nuthatch is. (If any of the Weblog Awards judges are Scientologists, please note that the above remarks are in actuality a sophisticatedly coded apology to Tom, Katie, and L. Ron Hubbard, whatever planet he resides on.)

7. We are equal opportunity offenders - While we each have particular political views of our own (I happen to know for a fact that Zimpter is a notorious moderate) we strive for non-partisanship on the blog, because quite frankly, all politicians deserve to be mocked within an inch of their lives. The same goes for all races, colours, and creeds, except those with especially zealous legal teams.

6. Our florid prose - How many of those other comedy blogs can even spell (Despite the Blogger spell-check) "florid" or for that matter big words like "transsubstantiation," "milquetoast," "kumquat," "zenith," or "antidisestablishmentarianism," much less use them all in a sentence as I've just done? Nobody but us, Jack!

5. We're publishing a novel! - I should clarify that I am publishing a novel and my colleagues are staying the hell out of the way, as any intelligent person would. If I weren't so dizzy from lack of sleep and trying to remember how to spell "kumquat" I'd tell them a thing or three. Where was I? Ah, yes... how many humour sites would dare serialise an actual, in-progress, first draft of a novel? I mean one as turgid as mine? Certainly not TheHuffington Post!

4. The interviews - King Kong, J.K. Rowling and Peter Jackson in one swoop, The Real Billy Jack, Elvis, Tom Cruise...Who cares if they're partly fictional (in the sense that everything beyond the names is fictional)...certainly not the Weekly World News or CBS! The questioning is both pertinent and relatively free from grammatical error. The result? Hilarity AND functional diction wrapped up in one delightful package.

3. Great links - We've got them, and not the helter skelter, catch as catch can (I've never in my life truly understood the phrase, but it sounds smashing) lists of any and every blog and web site. No, we've actually been to the sites we list in our blogroll... at least once! ...Not counting the visit to snag the URL, because any git can manage that.

2. Fabulous advice for celebrities and common folk alike - What other website gives you receipes for colostomic cocktails - anticipating a major craze that never really caught on? Who else is willing to go the extra mile for the celebrity parent to be with a helpful list of dazzlingly unique and weird baby names? Who else can claim to have presented the original Five Times Better (c) system for personal penta-betterment? No one but us, though as the disclaimer indicates, we are not legally responsible for anyone mad enough to actually try them.

1. We're hipper than Shakira's silhouette- The DaVinci Code, The Live Oscar Blog (scroll down, oh wise and attractive Weblog judges), World Cup Soccer (Football for those in the know), astronomical revolutions, Castro's Franco impersonations, and noticed how I worked the word "silhouette" in as well (see reason #6).

So, there you have the voluminous evidence ("voluminous"! Top that IMAO!) for why we feel we deserve the award. The rest is up to you oh, mighty ones!