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Thursday, February 10, 2005

Bottoms Up!

Stew, your post reminds me of the famous line from Walt Kelly's comic strip "Pogo": "We have met the enema, and he is us."

You've convinced me that there's a whole burgeoning audience for fine posteriorly-administered mixed spirits. Knowing the appetite human beings have for anything that might provide a buzz, I went rummaging around the Internet expecting to find pages and pages of sphincter bar recipes. It appears the market is, pardon the expression, wide open. So, I've taken it upon myself to provide a few below. Perhaps at some point I'll expand the collection into a small book entitled Bottoms Up! Cocktails for the Colon.

(Please understand that at this point, were we to actually have a large legal staff employed at the DOUI, they would be standing around me with shotguns insisting on the following statement which, in a sane and responsible society, would be unnecessary. However, since I don't want to inadvertently provide the script for the next episode of MTV's Jackass (literally, in this case): These receipes are for entertainment purposes only and are NOT intended to be imbibed by human beings via any orifice whatsoever. Oh yes, I also would like to take this opportunity to apologize in advance to anyone offended by the following concoctions. That would include me, also.)

  • Bum Buzz - 2 oz. Gin, 7 oz. Listerine
  • Fizzy Fanny - 3 oz. Peach snapps, 3 oz. orange juice, 1 bag of Pop Rocks, blended well
  • Whoopie Cushion - two ounces vodka, 1 jigger of Mountain Dew shaken not stirred
  • Tequila Moonrise - 2 oz. Tequila, 6 oz. hot salsa, 1 jalapeno pepper for garnish
  • Jello Scooters - Jello mixed with rotgut and soaked in olive oil for 24 hours
  • Atomic Bum - 1 oz. Gin, 1 oz. Vodka, 1 oz. Scotch, 1 oz. Irish Whisky, 1 oz. Rum, 1 oz. atropine
  • Irish Enema - As it turns out this is an actual, normally administered drink. (Go Metric!)
  • Lowball - 1 ounce whisky, 6 ounces prune juice
  • Bend-Me-Over - OK, this one's real too. Who'd have thought it?
  • Singapore Skid Marks - 1 oz. Kahlua, 12 chocolate bars melted and whipped into a froth
  • DuckFart - Real again! Blimey!
  • Wedgie Whistle - 3 oz. SlowGin, 3 oz. liquid oxygen
  • Zima and Soda - Self explanatory


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