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Monday, June 20, 2005

"Tomkat" is all wet

Some ne'er-do-wells in England have played a joke on the fidgety Tom Cruise during the opening of his latest film War of the Worlds, a remake of the 60's comedy (or was it a drama) Mars Needs Women. Anyway, old Tommy was spayed in the face by a water gun toting funnyman who works on a new comedy show for Channel 4 in the UK, that apparently has as its aim getting one of its crew killed. Anyone who knows Tom Cruise understands that this fellow was taking his life in his hands for being "rude" as Tom likes to put it. The Englishman can thank his lucky stars that Katie Holmes wasn't in the area or Tom may have had the guy neutralized. I was able to catch up to Tom at the Admiral's Club in Heathrow.

Stew: So Tom, crazy thing that guy with the water gun at the premiere. What was that all about?

Tom: That was so rude, I intend to have the guy brought up on assault charges and sent to the Tower of London if at all possible.

Stew: I don't know if they still use that, anyway, do you see...

Tom: Wanna arm wrestle?

Stew: Not really, no.

Tom: [sobbing] Man, it's just that I love Katie so much. Have you ever read anything by L. Ron Hubbard?

Stew: No, but I hear you're big into Scientology. What's that all about?

Tom: Oh man, it's about personal and spiritual awakening and stuff. Hot stuff man, hot, hot, hot. Wanna feel my bicep, go ahead, like steel man?! [Jumping up on the couch]

Waitress: Sir, you can't do that in the Admiral's Club.

Tom: Oh yeah, are you being rude? I hate rudeness. Let me talk to the Admiral.

Waitress: But we don't...

Tom: [ in her face] Now!!

Waitress: I'll see if he's available.

Tom: That's more like it. Let's see what this old salt says about his crew mistreating people.

Stew: Tom, do you realize you're entirely naked and standing on a cigarette machine?

Tom: Are you being rude?

At that point I was thrown out of the Admiral's Club, not because of Tom but because of the forged credentials and $500 bribe I used to get in.

(Here's a little preview of "War of the Worlds", what great CGI work. Click on the "Preview" link.)


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