The mystery of the pelicans

Ornithologists were pleased to see the return of over 18,000 white pelicans to North Dakota's Chase Lake National Wildlife Refuge (NDCLNWR, pronounced "naked clan war"). 28,000 of the 6-foot long birds up and left the reserve last year for reasons known only to them, leaving behind eggs and chicks who were unable to fend for themselves.

Fortunately, an AP reporter who spoke Pelican (a dialect of Pidgeon-English) was able to solve the mystery. When asked why they left so suddenly, one pelican responded, "It was all the ornithologists buzzing us in planes and spying on us with cameras. You trying mating while being videotaped by dozens of people in white coats and carrying notepads. There was performance anxiety all over the island."

When asked where all the pelicans had gone to, the bird, speaking on the condition of anonymity, said, "We went to Daytona Beach. The older birds decided to all head down to Miami Beach and retire, but the rest of us came back up here to give it another shot. It's worse that ever this year though. In a week or two, we're all flying to Santa Barbara to get some peace and quiet. In California, no one bothers you, no matter what you do in public."