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Friday, July 14, 2006

Jackie Falls off the Wagon

Reportedly, world-renowed actor and insane stunt performer Jackie Chan disrupted a concert by Jonathan Lee, a Taiwanese singer, when he jumped onstage and attempted to perform a duet with Lee. Anyone who has seen Jackie sing War at the end of Rush Hour knows just how grating this would have been (though I personally blame Brett Ratner for that).

He then unsuccessfully attempted to conduct the band and followed this up with an exchange with members of the audience, presumably unrepeatable in this, a PG blog. Jackie also reportedly told the crowd he was drunk.

I have to wonder if he did all of this in Drunken Master kung-fu style?

Jackie was listed as a guest performer for the concert, so this may have been a big drunk act, the way Chaplin used to wander out of the box seats in vaudeville, pretending to be a drunken audience member, something akin to Teddy Kennedy at The Kennedy Center Honors...

If Jackie were really drunk and out of control, it probably would have gone down very differently... [Cue cliched dream/flashback effects]

*****

Jonathan Lee (singing): Clowns never laughed before! Tulips never bloom... Hey, Jackie! What are you doing up here? Your bit isn't until the second half of the show.

Jackie Chan: I've been sipping the punch backstage. It's delightful!!

J.L.: Uh, oh... Jackie... the band always spikes that punch with vodka and tequila. Didn't you know that?

Jackie: That's strange... I thought it tasted like Red Bull!

J.L.: Well, you'll have to wait for your bit. I'm singing an old favourite.

Jackie: No, I want to do this song with you! I know all the words, and it reminds me of Marcia!

J.L.: Jackie, be reasonable...

(A security guard attempts to remove Jackie from the stage but Jackie grabs a mic stand, does a pirouhette with it, and slams it onto the guard's forehead, knocking him unconscious.)

J.L.: Jackie! Why did you do that? He was just trying to show you the way off stage!

Jackie: No more talk! Sing now! (singing, in a somewhat slurred way) Clowns never bathed before... Tulips in the dew...

J.L.: Jackie, those aren't the words!

(Another security guard attempts to escort Jackie offstage. Jackie runs over to the edge of the stage, propels himself off of a monitor, grabs a rope 15 feet high in the riggings, and swings across the stage, dropping a large sandbag on the guard's head. He does all of this without a break in his version of the song.)

Jackie: (still singing and swinging from the rope) Jack never jumped over the candlestick... (shouts) Marcia Brady, I love you!!

J.L.: Oh, Jackie...(shakes head)

Jackie: (leaping down from the rope and gesturing towards the band) C'mon lads... let's make this tune rock!

(Jackie attempts to conduct the band, signalling 3/4 time with his left hand and 4/4 with his right. The bass player trips and falls trying to follow this. The drummer throws up his hands in confusion, whacking himself in his own eye with one of the drumsticks.)

Jackie: No, no, that's all wrong! Give it some soul, man!

(Two dozen security guards rush out on to the stage and attempt to wrestle Jackie to the ground to carry him off stage. Jackie defeats them all, rendering them unconscious with his bare hands... and the use of one ladder, a bowling ball, a pair of wooden shoes, a unicycle, a bag of flour, a pool cue, a bulldozer, a revolving door, 3 bangers, a tuxedo, a giant novelty sheet of flypaper, the collected works of Dostoevsky, fifty McDonald's french fries [that's chips to all you in Islington - Cheerio], and a small pickel.)

Audience member: Jackie, you suck!

Jackie: (Something unintelligible containing at least one direct reference to the audience member's mother.)

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