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Monday, July 24, 2006

I'm Not a Winner.

It occurred to me about 15 seconds after I posted my last post that this whole lottery thing might not be on the up and up. I think it was the line "We hope with part of your winning you will take part in..." That and the original message said that it was confidential and not to be disclosed to anyone. So if I've messed up my chances, I might as well have a bit of fun.

I sent the following message to Dr. Sanchez of Spain:


Dear Dr. Sanchez,

I just received notification that I have won "1,000,000 Euro" from your lottery. I hope this is the same as "1 million Euros," because I would hate to wind up on the cheap because of an unfortunate typo. I'm sure it is though because being a Spaniard, English is not your native language. That's OK, as I don't speak Dutch either. Also, international lotteries are notoriously lax in the spell-checking department, so this is bound to happen repeatedly, as it did in my letter.

I am writing to ask if I can recieve my payment in clams. The reason I ask this is because the Euro is notoriously shaky, what with the French, Germans, and Belgians using it all at the same time. I would much rather receive my prize in a more stable commodity. I understand if this is a lot of extra trouble, but I would be happy to take the Euros and then we could go down to the local seafood wholesaler and cut a bargain. To be fair, I'll be sure and give the Spanish lottery half of any profit I make on the resell the next time I'm in Pismo Beach (after taxes of course... ha, ha!)

However, if you can deliver my winnings in clams entirely and right up front, that would save me getting double taxed on the VAT at the seafood market.

Also, I would like a t-shirt made up with the words, "I am the big winner of the big international lottery and now am worth 1,000,000 Euro(s)." I know it's a lot, but if you go with small enough print you can fit it in. Or you can split the phrase in two and put one half on the front and one half on the back, like those novelty t-shirts with the risque messages.

Please let me know about my clams as soon as possible. I may even invite you to the clambake!

My best to Comfort and the Jose Family.


Wee Willie Woopenfringer
(E. Fando is just a pseudonym)


Let's see if Dr. Sanchez responds. The interesting thing will be that I made a point of not including the Lottery numbers. I wonder if he'll try to give me the award anyway?


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