I'm a Winner!!!

That's right, yours truly, Earl Fando, is the big winner of 1,000,000 Euros according to Mrs. Comfort Jose, a fictional character living somewhere in a portion of Spain that resembles Nigeria. I know Mrs. Jose is fictional because I happen to know a person with Jose as a last name, and his wife's first name isn't "Comfort." Also, according to the Jose Family Genealogy Forum, there are no Comforts listed at all. There's a Faustine (Faust's daughter perhaps?) and a Haveline (We at DOUI love your motor oil, maam) but no Comfort.

Anyway, I'm a big winner and am already making plans to fund my first motion picture, which will not be based on a Jorge Carlito Vega script, because Danny DeVito won't work with me.

Just see for yourself. I received the following letter in my Inbox recently. I've only posted an excerpt below, because the letter goes on and on like a BBC production of The Mill on the Floss. I did leave quite a bit in, because with Stew and Nuffy not posting this week yet, we need to fill the space.

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EURO MILLIONS SPANISH LOTTERY INTERNATIONAL.
FROM: INTERNATIONAL PROMOTION/PRIZE AWARD DEPT.
REFERENCE: 67/80/IPD
BATCH: EGGS-541-623-782:
RE: WINNING NOTIFICATION / FINAL NOTICE

Sir/MadamWe are pleased to inform you of the result of the Euro millions Spanish Lottery Winners International E-mail programs held on the 4TH OF JULY 2006 and result where release on the 7TH JULY 2006. Your E-mail address attached to ticket number 653-908-321-675 with serial main number 345-790-241-671 drew lucky star numbers 34-32-90-43-32 which consequently won in the 2ND category, you have therefore been approved for a lump sum pay out of 1.000.000.00 Euro.(One Million Euro) CONGRATULATIONS!!! Due to mix up of some numbers and names, we ask that you keep your winning information confidential until your claims has been processed and your money remitted to you. This is part of our security protocol to avoid double claiming and unwarranted abuse of this program by some participants. All participants were selected through a computer ballot system drawn from over 100,000 company and 50,000,000 individual email addresses and names from all over the world.

This lottery was promoted and sponsored by Spainsh European Lottery board in order to enhance and promote the use of Internet Explorer Users and Microsoft-wares around the globe. This promotional program takes place every three year. We hope with part of your winning you will take part in our end of year 50 million Euro International lottery.To file for your claim, please contact our fiducial agent: DR.ROBERT SANCHEZ (SANCHEZ SECURITY COMPANY ESPAÑA) CONTACT CLAIMS AGENT ON
TEL:0034-699-752-404
Email: sanchezclaim@netscape.net

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I knew I was right to choose my lucky numbers 34, 32, 90, 43, and 32. I love number 32 so much that I chose it twice! I'm also very lucky because "this promotional program only takes place once every three year."

They got the part of "Sir/Madam" wrong though, as I've never even considered such surgery. I could never get used to sitting down in the loo so much anyway.

I'm not sure I like the whole deal of promoting Internet Explorer and Microsoft. Don't get me wrong, as I've gotten a fair amount of use out of these products as part of Bill Gates master plan to take over the world (If you don't believe me, visit Redmond sometime. Every person there has been turned into a zombie by implanting a part of Bill Gates soul in them. The zombie part was actually unintentional, but unfortunately Bill just doesn't have a whole lot of personality for a megalomaniac billionaire. BTW, if Bill ever decides to fund the blog I will deny this entirely.) I just don't like seeing such wasteful marketing. For this kind of money they could have bought a Super Bowl or Oscars Ad.

Be sure to sent a letter of thanks to Dr. Sanchez for me. Tell him what a charming bloke he is and how you too would like to win a million Euros for no work and without actually entering a contest or letting the organizers know what sex you are, and without being able to spell "companies" correctly. Ask him if he can travel to America, as I'd like to visit him in Leavenworth.

Anyway, I promise not to let being filthy rich go to my head. I just plan to make the movie. It'll have to be a low budget indie production, because a million Euros is pocket change in the film industry, and because I'll need to hold a bit back for golf, an British/Irish vacation, and that Porterhouse steak I've had my eye on. Oh yes, I'll need to buy that FT-3 driver Stew's been demo-ing.

If he posts a few times tomorrow, I might just let him borrow it.