It's Oscars time. Somebody wake the Grouch.

Sunday, July 16, 2006

The Disappearance of Hope

He's gone and nobody knows where he is! It is like as unto the sun disappearing behind a heavy cloud bank and never reappearing again. People would despair, they would lose hope, they would howl profanities into the night, and that is exactly what is happening. Mark Northover has vanished! Like the sacred apples of Thulstonworffe, he has disappeared and nobody but nobody knows where he went. The statement carried at the bottom of his official website, and the official website of happiness and hope, reads as follows: "Please note: This site was started by Mark Northover, however I have not seen him for a number of years and the information held on this site may not be up to date or accurate"

This is the webmaster's polite way of saying, "I'm scared! I'm frightened! Nobody has seen Mark Northover in a while, and I am terrified! I am pants-wettingly trembling in the darkest hours of the moistest night!" I did some digging, and it seems that the bobbies are on the trail. That is to say, cops are looking for him. Already they have some leads and top suspects have been poisoned and thrown into the sea without questioning. Soon, it is certain, they will locate our dearest Mark Northover and end the slow destruction of the world which is going on every single minute that he remains lost to us.

Top officials all over the world have been commenting on this disgusting tragedy:

Harmid Karzai, President of Afghanistan: "Without Mark Northover, our politicial situation, and every political situation in every community of humanity, will begin to detoriorate. Soon, we will all be dead. Let us hope they find him soon, so that I can unbutton my shirt with excitement."
Teodoro Obiang Nguema Mbasogo, President, Equatorial Guinea: "Just today, seventy three water buffaloes drowned in the ocean. They had gone into the ocean hoping to find Mark Northover, but instead they only found drowning."

Hans Adam II, Prince of Leichtenstein: "Nobody even knew my country existed until Mark Northover won all property rights to Leichtenstein in a game of Twenty One. Now, every day we weep and throw our bread into the gutters to commemorate his terrible, terrible, bowel-burstingly jarring disappearance."

Faure Gnassingbe, President of Togo: "Mark Northover married ten of my eleven daughter and fathered twenty seven of my six hundred and two grandchildren in a span of thirty six hours. His eldest son, Mrak Northorev Northover is the saddest of these abandoned children. He is two feet tall and six hundred pounds of grieving, abandoned son. Come back soon, Mark, my child, my hope. We have special pants waiting just for you."

George Walker "Dubya" Bush, President of the United States of America: "If Mark Northover is missing, this administration will not rest until we have located him. If that means we have to cut taxes and keep cutting taxes until he is found, we will cut them. If it means we have to drill for oil in Alaska, believe me, we will drill for oil in Alaska until we find Mark Northover and give him sweet, sweet mouth kisses."

If you want to help in the search for Mark Northover, please get the word out. E-mail your friends, send letters to your grandpa, tape messages to the doorposts of your home, scream into the shadows of the humid night: MARK NORTHOVER IS MISSING! FIND HIM! FIND HIM BEFORE THE WHALES DIE AND THE OCEANS TURN TO TAR AND THE MOON CRUMBLES AND THE SANDS OF ETERNIA RUN OUT! FIND OUR MARK NORTHOVER!

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