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Monday, July 17, 2006

Death, Misery, Pain, Fear, and Sorrow!!! Tickets available NOW!!!

Ah, the joy of losing appendages, oxygen deprivation, and cheating the grim reaper! No, it's not a party at Mark Northover's house, I'm talking about the exciting world of scaling Mt. Everest. Hi, I'm Stew Miller of The Dictionary of Unfortunate Ideas and we want to help you experience what few others have had a chance to encounter. Until recently, only semi-knowledgeable climbers and their Sherpa helpers have been able to chance fate by climbing Everest. Now we at DOUI would like to offer this exciting adventure to you the common man at a much reduced rate over those expensive, more well-equipped alternatives.

We did the research and the numbers are simply staggering. Did you realize that 99.999976% of the population has NEVER attempted to climb Mt. Everest? WOW!!!!! I'lll say that again, WOW!!! Further results from surveys we've commissioned show that 44.45% of those surveyed would like to climb Everest and 11.7512% think that oxygen deprivation would be "really cool".

But what is the normal Joe Iwannaclimbmounteveresterton supposed to do? He can't just get in his pick-up truck and drive down to Kathmandu, find Sherpa guides, and buy a few bottles of oxygen, OR CAN HE? Well no, actually he can't but we would like to offer cut-rate adventures to those hearty souls out there who don't mind losing a little flesh in the process. Our guides Ralston Fluglehorn the Third and Danzig "Matterhorn" Horowitz are not only guys we found in an alley, they are also experienced climbers and fishmongers.

Mt. Everest Climbing Packages (starting as low as $500)

Death Zone Special - This package gets you to the 26,000 ft. Death Zone in just two days. What you do from here is entirely up to you as in the morning you'll find our guides and Sherpas have made the return to Base Camp without you. (see Return from the Death Zone below)

Return from the Death Zone - For only an additional $2,500 fee our guides and Sherpas will return to bring you back down, that is, if you haven't already ascended to the peak of Everest!!!(Disclaimer: You have a .000014% chance of making it to the peak from here with no guides and most will end up frozen to death within the first 24 hours.)

Top of the World Ma!!!!! - Our guides will take you all the way to the top, slicing off frostbitten appendages and pumping you full of morphine along the way. If you do happen to expire they will haul your corpse to the top and take pictures for your family and friends.

The Everest Experience - For those who don't have the big bucks, don't worry, this package was made just for you. Experience 48 hours in an industrial freezer set to 50 degrees below zero, while deprived of food, water, sunlight, and human contact. Was that Sir Edmund Hillary I just saw?!?!?!

Please also try our off-season packages made for the climber who isn't afraid of blizzards, high velocity winds, or other portents of certain death.

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