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Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Grip it and rip it...or stick it?

All right, prepare to be shocked... I'm writing about baseball.

Blimey, Stew almost fell out of his chair. I'm sure he thought it would be a John Daly post.

Yes, I know...most of the regular readers of this blog know that I care about baseball only slightly more than I care about whether or not American guards are tampering with Saddam Hussein's Doritos before he gets the bag in his cell. (Gentlemen, do the words "Dorset Naga" mean anything to you?) I'm a football man, true and true. That's "soccer" for those of you west of the Atlantic coastline.

Nonetheless, the controversy about whether Detroit Tigers pitcher Kenny Rogers had a foreign and illegal substance on his hand during Sunday's "World Series" Game 2 is quite intriguing. Many people have speculated that Rogers had pine tar on his fingers, a substance that produces extra stickiness on the ball and thus better movement on curves and other breaking pitches. It's like a cricketer with a sticky ball in the bowl.

Rogers contends that it was only a smudge of dirt on his hand. Of course, if it wasn't, he'd probably be quite embarassed to admit it, it between reditions of "Lucille." Obviously, the real truth may lie somewhere in between. So, with apologies to a certain Mr. Letterman (who may have already done a similar list... I've haven't seen it) here are my top 10 suggestions for just what exactly was on Rogers' hand and why.

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10. His ears started itching and before you know it he's got a load of ear wax on his pitching hand. Obviously it's his scratching hand as well. He could have made a little candle.

9. A little KFC pre-game meal inadvertantly left some gravy on the hand. Use a fork next time, you slob.

8. It was a bruise mark from a hand slap during a mid-day poker game. He obviously didn't know when to "hold 'em" or "fold 'em."

7. It was just another blotchy sunspot that he forgot to cover up with skin cream. I get them all the time...just not on my hands.

6. It was the remnants of the clumsy removal of his Dixie Chicks hand tattoo, after country fans soured on them. Why a hand tattoo? Don't ask.

5. It was left over plastic explosives from secret night job as a special-ops guy. That does explain the "explosive" pitching.

4. It was ink stains from all "The Gambler" album signings. (...Last Kenny Rogers, country-singer joke in this post, I promise.)

3. It was a spare bit of Cruex, just in case the ole' jock itch flared up out on the mound.

2. It was a hicky from Barbara Striesand. James Brolin is seriously pissed.

1. He had an itch, but it was in a different, more posteriorly-oriented area. I won't say more.

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