Real Men? Flip-Flops? Who Gives a Flip?

Michael Y. Park of Fox News asks the question, "Do Real Men Wear Flip Flops?"

The answer is "Yes, you blithering ninny. Get a bleeding life and stop trying to impress us with those Chuck Taylor-redux-canvas-basketball trainers."

To be fair to Mr. Park, the original disparaging comments about flip-flops came from rapper and noted Mr. Blackwell confidant DMX, who complained about fellow rapper Jay-Z's choice of the airy, open-toed, highly-chafing footwear. According to the Fox article DMX claimed that, "Thugs don't do flip-flops."

Apart from the dubious rationality of taking fashion advice from someone whose nom-de-plume sounds like a bicycle, what on earth makes Park think that the average, red-blooded male is going to give a haggis worrying about what the well-dressed "thug" is wearing? Not to burst DMX's very slender bubble, but most of us dress to impress women (my wife in my case), for a touch of class (actors and Arsene Wenger), or to be comfortable (Your average rock star and/or Ray Romano). Few of us who haven't done jail time dress to impress the blokes who spend most of their time in alleys with blackjacks and switchblades, waiting to count the money they find in other people's wallets, if they can count at all.

Just to make the point perfectly clear, here are some examples of DMX's sartorial splendour with some appropriate critiquing included:

• Dear sir, if you must wear camoflauge, at least blend into something.
• The tank top is so eighties, mate. Didn't one of the Village People wear one?
• Tone Loc called, lad. He wants his look back.
• Hefty bag trousers? ...And put a bloody shirt on!
• Apparently, the Unibomber look is back in. This must be what they mean when they say DMX is "the bomb."

So, as you can see, the estimable John Amos' wardrobe from Good Times was more impressive than that of Mr. X-Games bicycle.

I really don't mean to pick on DMX though. Rappers have enough problems, what with being melodically challenged, unable to play actual instruments, and dodging gunfire constantly. It really must be a difficult, monotone, firecracker life.

No, my real criticism is for the gits who go around loudly declaring that "real men do this" and "real men don't do that." These dim prats seem convinced that they can inflate their own sagging manhood by casting others into disrepute simply because they happen to enjoy a French savoury pastry made with eggs and creme. Have you ever had Quiche Lorraine, mate? It's loaded with rashers upon rashers of bacon. Bacon, you dullards!!!

Only a lobotomy patient would suggest that real men don't enjoy a large bacon-filled egg tart. Even people from cultures where pork is forbidden would fill the thing up with Sizzlean and have at it.

No, the one thing I'm certain real men don't do is run around writing hysterical books and articles about what real men do and don't do. Those blokes are the ones who get beaten up by real men in pubs for being so ruddy annoying all the time. Those are the ones who write Cialis adverts. Pathetic.