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Thursday, October 19, 2006

Ah yes, Ringo was the normal one!

From the tiny, tinpot terror of North Korea to more mundane items... well, somewhat more mundane. The marriage of Paul McCartney and Heather Mills continues to unravel faster than knit Speedos on the late Marlon Brando, and just as unpleasantly. Their two year old child seems to be the only beneficiarly of this mess, having just signed a lucrative book deal with Bloomsbury for a tell all entitled "Mommy Was a Model, Daddy was a Beatle, and I'm Going to Be Filthy Rich After This Book." The book will be ghost written by Chris Kreski.

Anyway, regarding the messy proceedings, among other things, Mills alleges that McCartney:

  • Shoved Mills over a coffee table.
  • Stabbed Mills with a broken wine glass stem.
  • Verbally humiliated Mills in front of several people.
  • Used illegal drugs
  • "Consumed alcohol to excess"

Now, I don't want to give the impression that any of these charges aren't serious, but I suspect the McCartney defence team will be releasing a statement any day now that will read something like this:

Mr. McCartney, or as we all like to call him, Sir Paul, is innocent of each of these charges. We would like to address the charges individually, just to make sure Sir Paul's story gets out. Fleet Street and the rest of the world media are so often unfair to wealthy, talented ex-Beatles these days.

  • Mr. McCartney did push Ms. Mills over a coffee table, but it was only to save her life from the poisoned dart that Mr. McCartney's pygmy manservant Andy Richter had fired at Mills. Andy explained later by saying, "I hate that conniving, greedy, money-grubbing, *****!" Mr. McCartney refuses to endorse Andy's statement, no matter how factually true it might be.
  • Mr. McCartney could not have stabbed Ms. Mills with a broken wine glass stem, as whenever Mr. McCartney stabs someone, he uses his personally-monogrammed, solid gold shiv. As Mr. Ringo Starr will attest, he was the last person Mr. McCartney stabbed with this particular shiv, in the summer of 2004 after a particularly contentious game of snooker.
  • Mr. McCartney never verbally humiliated Ms. Mills in front of anyone. All Mr. McCartney ever said regarding Ms. Mills was, "I'm a Beatle and you're just another worm," which is a factually true statement, and far gentler than what John Lennon used to say, which involved insects, a wood chipper, and a reference to Sir Paul's mother.
  • Mr. McCartney has never used any illegal drugs that are personally aware of, and even if he did, he is a rock star, so what in blazes do you expect?
  • Regarding Mr. McCartney's alleged alcohol abuse, this is simply laughable to anyone who knows that Mr. McCartney was regularly drunk under the table by such teetotalers as Keith Moon and Paul Gascoigne. Like any good Scouser, he has the usual 12 pints of bitter each evening. Ms. Mills' charges are laughable. Ha. Ha. Ha.

A compelling defence, don't you think?


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