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Tuesday, October 17, 2006

The Fresh Face at the UN

No, I'm not talking about U.S. Ambassador John Bolton, whom U.S. Senator Joe Biden privately refers to as "Jules" and to whom Vice President Dick Cheney refers to as "Dread One."

No, I'm referring to the brand new General Secretary-elect of the United Nations, one Mr. Ban Ki-moon. Ban will assume the office on January 1, 2007, right after current Secretary General Kofi Annan is dragged kicking and screaming from his palatial Manhattan offices.

Many observers, and not a few crackpots, expect Ban's tenure to be vastly different from Annan's. Some predictive examples:

Annan: Spent vast majority of time complaining about Israel, President Bush, and Ghanian car import duties.
Ban: Will spend most of his time complaining about Israel, President Bush, and why Hyundai can't get a really good foothold in the American car market.

Annan: Has been criticized for overly passive responses regarding genocides in Rwanda and Sudan.
Ban: Will be criticized for overly passive responses to Kim Jong-Il going batty with nukes up and down East Asia. Decision to send Kim a case of Milky Way candy bars and a year's subscription to Hustler (no, there's no bloody link, you pervs) will be seen as soft.

Annan: Had family member implicated in Oil for Food corruption scandal.
Ban: Will be suspected of stealing towels from the UN Secretary General suite, by eventual successor Antonio Banderas in 2012.

Annan: Attempted to reform the UN by expanding the Security Council.
Ban: Will attempt to expand the Security Council by adding South Korea and three nations to be named at a later date: Freedonia, Sylvania, and Walla Walla, Washington.

Annan: Criticized for mishandling of sexual abuse scandal involving UN peacekeeping troops in Africa.
Ban: Will be criticized for policy of sending UN peacekeeping troops to Las Vegas to "sow wild oats," because "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas."

Annan: Has a respectful but adversarial relationship with U.S. Ambassador John Bolton.
Ban: Will be beaten like a floor mat by Bolton on at least 12 different occasions.

Annan: Declared U.S. and British invasion of Iraq illegal.
Ban: Will declare eventual cancellation of the programme Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip illegal, despite abysmal ratings, because "That Matthew Perry is a hoot!"


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