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Friday, March 03, 2006

Where'd Earl Shuffle Off To?

I know that is the question many of you have asked, given that I normally post daily. Well, I've been in training for the last two days for our upcoming Live Blog of the Oscars!

With so much posting occurring in so short a span of time (Average Oscar Show: 12 hours, 47 minutes, not including repeat Beyonce performances) I have to be at my fittest for such an enterprise. Last year, I was on my own and had at least 3 finger cramps and a pulled groin from all the posts. I was positively knackered at the end.

This year, I'm taking every precaution to be at my best. Not only will I properly warm up before the telecast, but I've been employing a special training plan as well. Here is just a sample of my daily regimen:

4:00 AM - Wake up.
4:01 AM - What in the hell am I doing up so early? Go back to sleep.
7:00 AM - Wake up.
7:05 AM - Shower, brush teeth, shave, wax chest (How'd that get in there?)
7:10 AM - Wash hair.
7:13 AM - Rinse, repeat.
7:20 AM - Get dressed. Wear special "training pants."
7:30 AM - Full English Breakfast.
7:35 AM - Head off to real job at (CLASSIFIED by United States Department of Defense AND United Kingdom MI6). Do several deep knee bends during regular work hours. Deep breathing, preferably during random phone calls to female celebrities.
Noon - Lunch - Something with bacon. Read Variety cover to cover. Snicker inappropriately.
4:00 PM - Tea - Avoid the cucumber sandwiches. Stick to scrummy buttered scones. No lumberjack jokes, please.
5:00 PM - Return home.
5:01 PM - Sleep.
7:00 PM - Watch all of Entertainment Tonight. Try not to retch too much.
7:30 PM - Sleep.
8:00 PM - Dinner. Lots of beef and potatoes. Crunchie for pudding.
8:15 PM - Sleep.
10:00 PM - Wake up from terrible nightmare where Mary Hart and Mark Steines co-host the Academy Awards.
10:01 PM - Sleep.
11:00 PM - Wake up from terrible nightmare where Jon Stewart hosts the Academy Awards.
11:01 PM - Realize that it's not a nightmare. Console self that it beats Hart and Steines.
11:02 PM - Vigourous typing exercise
11:03 PM - Sleep.

So, as you can plainly see, I'm hard at work getting ready. We do hope you can join me/us/whoever turns up on March 5th.

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