The Live Oscar Blog is Coming!

Sean Penn - "Oh, no! Not again! %$#&*@!!!"

Gwyneth Paltrow - "I'd so much rather be on the Internet listening to those sexy boys that sitting with a bunch of stuck up pompous self-reverential bastards at the Awards show!"

Clint Eastwood - "Make my day, Dictionary punks!" (Blows a huge hole in a nearby limo)

Martin Scorcese - "They present a kind of faux outrage at the mispent glamour of the event, celebrating it while skewering it in a loving, yet vicious fashion. Incisive...very incisive."

Woody Allen - "Why are you even talking to me? I don't even go to the Academy Awards. I'd rather sit naked in a hot tub with Carol Channing and Caspar Weinburger than be caught at the Oscars! You're just trying to catch me and Soon-Yi in a compromising position."

Keira Knightley - "I dig DOUI!" (Update: Apparently, she was referring to Doui, Chad in Africa. Oh, well.)

Joan Rivers - "Those blogger guys dress like refugees from a Scottish Athletic Attic. They'd wear tartan tennis shoes to the Nobels. Now, watch as I make my famous disrespectful gagging noise, sitting here in an overprice Bob Mackie that Cher would mistake for refuse from a discotheque."

Ben Affleck - "They haven't let me into the Oscars in the past two years. J-Lo won't let them."

These are just a sample of the myraid of fake quotes celebrating the news that The Dictionary of Unfortunate Ideas (that would be us, by the way) will once again be Live-Blogging the Oscars. Come and join the excitement on March 5th, right here on ABC...I mean DOUI! Highlights include:

-Our utter and thrilling disregard for fashion sense!
-Dozens of pre-scripted Brokeback Mountain, Sean Penn, and Oprah Winfrey jokes!
-Our annual "When will the host bomb?" pool! (I've got 9:50 p.m., EST, March 3rd)
-Senseless potshots at presenters!
-Naughty lyrics suggestions for best song nominees!
-Explosive behind-the-scenes news that we make up on the fly!
-Stew may even show up!!

See you on the 5th!