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Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Daniel Craig - A Sinking Ship?

Well, the response to the choice of Daniel Craig as James Bond grows ever warmer. Apparently, fans of the series are threatening to boycott the next Bond film, Casino Royale, unless Craig is replaced.

While I can fully understand this sentiment, given that Craig seems hardly suited to match David Niven's sly, self-parodic, Pink-Pantherish, "show off his shortcomings" turn as Bond in the original adaptation of the seminal Ian Fleming Bond book, much less the dark, brooding Connery or the sly, energetic Brosnan; it seems a bit cruel to pile on so early. So what if Craig seems only slightly more brooding than Benny Hill or barely more sly than Graham Chapman in Yellowbeard. Shouldn't we give this young bloke a chance to fully embarrass himself in the role first? I mean, it's not like they signed on Ben Affleck or Emilio Estevez to the part. Surely Craig should be able to offer something beyond quirky, stand-offish, neo-hippy gestalt, scruffy, method, Royal Shakespeare cast-offness to the role, right? Unique hair? Stalkerish intensity?

Or should we just bombard him with juvenile blonde jokes, now? Here's one.


There were three Bonds who went into a pub, a dark-haired Bond, a red-headed Bond, and Daniel Craig. The dark-haired Bond said "I'll have a medium-dry vodka martini, shaken, not stirred." The bartender handed him his glass and just as he went to take a sip, Daniel grabbed him by the lapels and shakes him, spilling vodka and vermouth all over his tuxedo.

"I'm glad you said 'shaken', " said Craig with a giggle. "I wasn't quite sure how to stir you."

The dark-haired Bond, offers a half-hearted smiled before unloading his Walther PPK into Craig.

The red-haired Bond replies, "What took you so bloody long? I wanted to shoot him when he showed up in the car park in a Miata." He then unloads his PPK into Craig for good measure.


Too harsh? All right, I know it's not a gem, but it's late and I was making it up as I went. Plus, I left out the line about the bartender shooting him, as well....with an uzi...and the twenty patrons (all members of the American NRA and thus, heavily armed). There was a Swiss cheese joke also, but it seemed excessive.

Still, it's when you match up Craig with the other Bonds that you start to get some sense of his inadequacies. There should be a standing rule that anyone cast as Bond should be able to take Timothy Dalton in hand to hand comment. Dalton would stomp on Craig's head and then beat him to a pulp with his own handbag.

Also, all Bonds should be at least as tall as I am. I'm 6'1" (or 1.85 meters). Craig, at a measely 5'11" (or 1.80 meters) is the only one who doesn't measure up. Blimey, if I can't look a Bond in the eye, he's not Bond. It's not like I'm asking for someone John Cleese's height. Cleese, as Q, shouldn't be able to rest his arm on the top of the bloke's head though!

So, boycott away! Sorry, Daniel old chap. It's back to Lara Croft: Tomb Raider for you. At least you'll get to hang out with Angelina Jolie, if Brad will let you get that close.


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